


Seeking Friendship

by mnwood



Series: Seeking Friendship 'Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Castiel, Asexuality, Awkward Crush, Awkward Flirting, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Dean, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Nerd Castiel, Nerd Dean, No Smut, Online Dating, POV Alternating, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Past Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Past Castiel/Meg Masters, Past Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, Platonic Cuddling, Plot Twists, Possessive Castiel, awkward everything tbh, they are such huge nerds in this i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 11:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 36,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1981326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnwood/pseuds/mnwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The information pops up in Castiel’s head as if he’s reading it on his computer screen right in front of him. He had come across Dean’s dating profile the very day he made his own three months ago. He must’ve looked at 20 or 30 different profiles that day, but Dean’s was the only one that kept replaying over and over in his head for a week after. "Dean W., seeking friendship."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's one or two things in this story purposely not tagged so that they can be spoilers, so my apologies if it ends up being something you dislike. Happy ending, though, I promise.
> 
> ALSO huge thank you to [goshasthings](http://goshasthings.tumblr.com/) for the artwork at the end of chapter 11.

Cas doesn’t like coffee shops. He’s just not the “type.” The people are loud, the drinks are expensive, there’s never anywhere to sit. He just doesn’t get the _point._  

But today, by some divine intervention he’s sure, his roommate was driving him crazier than usual so he was forced to take drastic measures. Which is why, for the first time in nearly three years of college, Cas is cooped up in the corner of Starbucks with a stack of books and his laptop. 

He’s just about to take a bathroom break when a person catches his eye and stops him from getting up. He immediately looks back down at his computer with wide eyes, but he has no control over how they keep wandering back over to the guy ordering a cup of black coffee and a cookie.

_Dean W._  
 _20 years old_  
 _Sexuality: N/A  
_ _Seeking: friendship, particularly with a dude—seriously just friendship though, I promise._

The information pops up in Castiel’s head as if he’s reading it on his computer screen right in front of him. He had come across Dean’s dating profile the very day he made his own three months ago. He must’ve looked at 20 or 30 different profiles that day, but Dean’s was the only one that kept replaying over and over in his head for a week after. _Dean W., seeking friendship._

Cas knew they went to the same school, but he never dreamed of running into Dean on campus. In fact, when he saw his picture next to his profile, he thought for sure that this boy was not actually real and this was all just a big misunderstanding. Now, seeing him live and in person, Cas is even more unbelieving that his stupidly perfect face is a thing that exists. _Seeking friendship,_ what a fucking joke.

Dean’s taking a bite of his cookie as he leaves, but something curious happens as he turns backwards to push his shoulder into the door. His eyes meet Castiel’s, and he grins idiotically while chewing. And Cas, being the stupid idiot that he is, smiles back all warm and soft like he’s in some goddamn music video for a teenage pop star. 

Never again. Never again is Cas going to a coffee shop. 

 

* * *

 

_So are you gay or something? I just don’t understand why you’re a guy seeking “friendship” with another guy on a dating website. I mean, you know no straight guys are going to respond to that, right? Especially if your profile picture is actually you._

Dean rolls his eyes and clicks out of his inbox. He didn’t have high hopes when he made his dating profile, but he at least thought people wouldn’t be so rude and probing. He clearly needs to change his picture, too. His current one is from a modeling gig he did back in September, and he gets probably 20 messages a day just from big burly men who want to fuck him. _Friendship,_ damn it. Why don’t people understand or respect the word _friendship._

It’s not like Dean can’t go find friends on his own. It’s just…all of his friends are girls, and he kind of sucks at interacting with guys. 

He’s just not going to sit around with a bunch of dudes talking about sports and women when he could be talking about TV shows and zombie apocalypse plans with Jo. And he’s not going to casually play videogames with a bunch of mediocre sexist douchebags when he and Charlie already have a serious team that plays together and kicks ass twice a week.

The only meaningful guy friend Dean ever had was Benny, but he graduated last year and moved halfway across the country. Dean and Benny were attached at the hip, and if Dean’s being completely honest with himself he misses him like crazy and only made a dating profile because of the Benny-sized hole in his life. But he definitely can’t put that on his profile: _Looking for a best friend replacement._

Dean clicks back on his profile and deletes 90 percent of his inbox. Then he goes to the edit page, types up a new description, uploads a new picture, and exits out before any more responses pop up.


	2. Chapter 2

_Dean W._  
 _20 years old_  
 _Sexuality: N/A  
_ _Seeking: Goddamn it, I just want a guy friend who isn’t a douchebag. I don’t care if you’re gay or straight or whatever, but please stop asking to fuck me. I promise I’m not that attractive in real life and I would be absolutely no fun at all in bed. That’s all I’m saying on the matter, so if you message me about it I won’t respond._

Cas actually laughs out loud when he reads the new description. _Poor Dean,_ he thinks before clicking on the new picture to enlarge it.

God help him, this picture’s even _worse._ His hair is cut shorter like it was in the coffee shop the other day, so it must be more recent. It looks like Dean didn’t know the picture was being taken until right before, because his head is turned over his shoulder and his eyes are wide and his mouth is slightly open as if he’s about to say something to the photographer. But he looks happy and relaxed, and Castiel isn’t sure if he’ll ever see another picture as perfect as this one.

“Oooh, who’s that?” Anna asks from behind him.

“Um, nobody. I’m just looking at dating profiles,” Cas responds as he clicks out of Dean’s profile and back to the main page.

Anna plops down on his bed and pulls out her own computer. “He’s cute. He looked a little too, you know, ‘sexy’ to be your type though. Why don’t you send him my way?”

“That’s the thing, it says on his profile that he’s just looking for friendship with a male. Why would a guy as good-looking as him go on a dating website just to look for a friend?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?”

“Because. You know I only use this website to stalk people. I’ve never sent a message, and I don’t plan on starting now.”

“OK then, why don’t you try to get _him_ to message _you_?”

“What?” 

“Give me that,” Anna says as she slides over to Cas’ desk and turns his laptop toward her.

“Hey, what are you—”

‘“Castiel Novak. 21 years old. Sexuality: laughable. Seeking: a simple friendship with a guy, no strings attached.’ There. Saved. Twenty bucks says he messages you in the next 24 hours.”

“Why would you do that? I’m changing it back, this is ridiculous.” But as Cas goes to change it back, he sees that he’s already got a message.

_Laughable? What do you even mean by that? And by ‘no strings attached,’ do you mean like casual sex?_

Fuck, if Cas already got a message without even a picture accompanying his new profile, he can’t imagine the amount of shit Dean deals with every day. He deletes the message but keeps the updated profile. He’s curious to see what else people will say.

“You already got a message, didn’t you?” Anna asks smugly.

“Um, yes. But it was just annoying questions. This is…interesting.”

“See, Cas, keeping that profile up to date is important. You should upload a pict—”

“There’s no point in providing a picture if I just want a friend. Friends don’t care about physical appearance.”

“Yeah, maybe you should tell Dean that. Might help him out a bit.” 

“Oh my god.”

“What? Did he message you?” Anna hops back off the bed and over to Cas’ computer.

  _Hey. Are you really looking for just friendship? Because I am too. And I think we go to the same school._

“You owe me 20 bucks.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

Dean doesn’t know what possessed him to do it. He never messages people on this godforsaken website, but Castiel Novak’s updated profile showed up at the top of his homepage, and he had a moment where he believed in destiny, and it lasted long enough for him to send a stupid message. It wasn’t until after he hit send that he realized the timestamp. Castiel had only updated his profile six minutes before Dean messaged him. _Real smooth, dumbass._

It turns out it didn’t matter though, because a week goes by and Castiel doesn’t respond. Dean checks relentlessly every day and feels a weird pain in his chest every time his inbox is void of Castiel’s weird name.

“What’s up with _you_ lately?” Jo asks while she and Dean are studying at her apartment one day.

“Hmm? Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Dude, you are _not_ fine. I’m gonna keep bugging you, so you might as well spill.”

Dean rolls his eyes and looks back down at his physics textbook.

“Is it Sam?”

Dean’s eyes snap back up. “What? No. Jesus, Jo, just let it go.”

Jo is silent for a minute, but then she asks quietly, “It’s not about Benny, is it?” 

Dean gives her a death glare before closing his book and heading to the kitchen.

Jo of course follows him. “Dean—please, Dean, I’m sorry. Look, I’m just worried about you. I just don’t want you sulk—”

“It’s not even that big of a deal, Jo,” Dean snaps. “You’re making it into a big deal when it’s not a big deal. The only reason I’m not telling you is because I’m embarrassed, OK? Everything is _fine._ ”

Jo crosses her arms. “Can you just quit being a baby and tell me then? I won’t laugh, you stubborn asshole.”

There’s a weighted pause before Dean says, “Fine. If you _must_ know, I stupidly messaged a guy on the damn dating website Charlie made me sign up for forever ago. It’s been a week and he hasn’t responded, and it’s bothering the hell out of me and I have no idea why. There. Happy?”

Jo takes a seat at the counter and drops her chin into her hands. “That’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Unless it’s just your pride that’s hurt because you’re accustomed to getting 50 messages a day from guys fawning over you.”

“No,” Dean says quickly, offended. “No, you know I don’t give a fuck about that. I guess I just…I don’t know, I got really hopeful when I saw this guy’s profile and then for him not to respond…” 

“C’mon.”

“What?”

“Come _on_ , we’re going to get ice cream,” Jo urges as she grabs Dean’s arm and pulls him from his chair.

“But—” 

“It’ll take 20 minutes max, and then you can get back to your rigorous study schedule, you adorable smart little nerd.”

“I’m not a nerd,” Dean mumbles to himself as he follows Jo to the door.

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Dean’s List.”

Jo has managed to get Dean laughing by the time they walk in the door at Ben & Jerry’s, and she even convinces him that they should sit at the tables out front for a few minutes to enjoy their ice cream cones. 

Dean is frantically licking the melted ice cream off the side of his cone when he hears Jo talking to someone. He turns to look and locks eyes with an odd-looking guy about his age. His face looks familiar, but Dean can’t quite place it. The guy stares at Dean curiously while his friend talks to Jo. Dean lets the ice cream drip onto his hand.

“Oh I’m sorry, I’m being rude. Cas, this is Jo—you know, my friend from studio art? Jo, you remember me talking about Cas?” 

Cas and Jo shake hands and exchange greetings, and then everybody turns to Dean. He stands awkwardly and fumbles with his ice cream before saying, “Um, sorry. Dean—I’m Dean.” Dean lifts his ice cream and his messy hands and shrugs in apology for being unable to shake hands. 

“Hey Dean, I’m Anna. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh really? That’s…probably not a good thing. I’ve heard about you of course, too. Jo thinks your sculptures should be in museums.”

Jo elbows Dean hard in the ribs, and Anna laughs.

“And your name’s Cas you said?” Dean asks.

“Yes, Cas, that’s right. It’s nice to meet you, Dean.”

“Nice to meet you too, man. Hey, do I know you from somewhere?” Dumb. Dean Winchester is dumb.

Cas looks like he’s about to answer in the affirmative, but then his face changes to something akin to horror and he answers, “Uh, I don’t think so? It’s possible I’ve seen you on campus.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re probably right, uh, sorry.” Dean awkwardly starts eating his ice cream again.

Jo and Anna look like they’re both holding back giggles, and Anna says, “Well, we’re going to get ice cream. See you later, Jo. Nice to meet you, Dean.”

“Oh, why don’t you guys sit out here with us?” Jo asks before they can go inside.

Dean looks at her sternly because they were just about to leave, but the way Anna and Cas’ faces light up at the offer softens Dean’s attitude a little.

They end up staying for another hour. Dean gets a second cone of ice cream, and Cas asks if he can try it and Dean has handed it over and Cas is licking it before either of them realize that this behavior is unusual and that Jo and Anna are staring at them like they’re watching an unknown species go through a complicated mating ritual. Cas hands the cone back quickly, mumbles that it’s good, and then Dean pretends for a second that he’s grossed out about licking where Cas licked (he’s not).

Cas is in the middle of describing a novel he read for an English class his sophomore year (“I know I don’t know you that well, but you _have_ to read it, Dean”) when Dean happens to look at his phone and notice the time.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Cas. I have an exam at 8 tomorrow. Jo, we gotta go.”

Jo turns to Dean annoyed that he interrupted her conversation with Anna. “Take my keys and just study at my apartment until I come home.”

Dean rolls his eyes and snatches the keys from Jo. “Fine, I’ll see you later. Anna, Cas—it was great meeting you guys.”

“Nice to meet you too, Dean,” Anna says sweetly. 

“Um, yeah, same here. You know, Anna, I think I’m going to go study, too. You and Jo hang out, I’ll walk home.” 

“Dude, just come with me.” What, why did he say that.

“Um, are you sure? I could just—”

“Nah, come on, my car is at Jo’s. I can drive you home whenever she gets back.” He turns to Jo, who has a huge shit-eating grin on her face. “Is that cool?”

“Yeah, of course. You kids have fun now,” Jo answers.

 

* * *

 

Cas has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. When he unexpectedly saw Dean's ridiculous face covered in chocolate and turning red with surprised embarrassment outside Ben & Jerry’s, he suddenly wasn’t so afraid of interacting with him anymore. He prayed Dean didn’t put two and two together and realize that Anna’s friend Cas is also Castiel: dick who didn’t message Dean back.

By the time they’re walking back to Jo’s apartment together, Cas has completely forgotten about the message. He’s completely forgotten about everything. He licked Dean W.’s ice cream cone half an hour ago and that’s when everything stopped making sense. 

“How long have you known Anna?”

“We met in a drama class freshman year. Neither of us wanted to do the acting assignment, so we wrote a play together as an alternative.” 

“Play any good?”

“No. It was about a woman who killed her husband for having an affair, but then she fell in love with the woman he was having an affair with.”

“Dude, that sounds awesome. I would definitely pay to see that.” 

“You’re joking. We got a C.”

“Well your teacher was an idiot. So you’ve been friends since then?”

“Oh, yeah, we live next door to each other and both hate our roommates. What about you and Jo?”

“Known her since we were kids. Family friend kind of thing.”

“That’s nice.”

There’s a lull in the conversation, and Cas tries his hardest to think of something else to say but he’s terrible at this and he’s trying to focus on not staring at Dean and the longer the silence lasts the more he thinks about just running away.

But then they’re at Jo’s apartment, and Dean is opening the door for him, and Cas is taking a seat at the kitchen table, and Dean is handing him a glass of water, and nothing makes sense again. 

When Dean pulls out his physics textbook, Cas pulls out his laptop and asks for the Wi-Fi password.

Dean chuckles as he tells him.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Nothing, it’s just—Jo makes fun of me for immediately getting on my computer when I’m here, and I can imagine how she would react to you right now.”

“We _are_ studying, right? I’m sorry, I saw your textbook and thought it was appropriate for me to pull out my own work and—”

“Oh my god, Cas, please. It’s cool, I promise. Yes, we are studying.” Dean shakes his head and looks down at his book.

“I’m sorry.”

Dean looks back up at Cas. “You don’t do this very often, do you?”

“Do what?”

“Friendship. Like, meeting new people and hanging out with them. You’re not used to it.”

Cas stares at his monitor and mumbles, “You aren’t either.”

“What?”

He thinks about backtracking, lying, saying something to get out of this hole. “I said you aren’t either. We are both terrible at this.”

Dean laughs harder than he has all night at that, and Cas tries to ignore the burning in his chest at the sound. “Well, that means there’s no pressure. We can sit here and study in silence and not worry about being shitty at interacting with each other.” 

“That’s…surprisingly logical.”

“Yeah, I do that sometimes.”

They sit in a comfortable silence for about half an hour, until Cas without even thinking blurts out, “Are you any good at grammar, Dean?” 

“Uh, yeah? I used to read over Sa—my brother’s papers in high school. Why?”

“Would you read the first couple pages of my essay and give me feedback?”

“Sure, Cas. Here,” Dean says as he walks over to Cas’ side of the table and leans over his chair. “Can I just take this?” He places his hand on the keyboard, and Cas hopes he doesn’t notice how rapidly his heart rate just suddenly increased.

“Mm-hmm,” Cas answers with an accompanying nod. 

Dean goes back to his chair and Cas watches him nervously as he scrutinizes the essay. He occasionally taps at the keyboard or scrolls, and he’s finished within ten minutes.

“ _Lolita_ , huh?” Dean comments as he hands the laptop back.

“Yeah, um, I’m an English major, so—”

“So you read a lot of books, yeah, I got that. I do, too. For fun though, I’d hate to write essays and stuff.”

Cas huffs a laugh. “Have you decided your major yet?” 

“Dude, I’m a second semester sophomore, of course I have. Mechanical engineering.”

“Wow, an engineer who likes to read novels in his free time? Impressive.”

Dean smiles down at his book to hide his blush. “Uh, yeah, thanks. I’m nothing special.” 

Cas is about to object when the door swings open and Jo steps in. “Well look at you two being nerds together, how cute.”

“Jo, you literally _just_ met Cas. Can you be nice for five seconds?” 

“I _am_ being nice. You don’t mind being called a nerd, do you, Cas?”

Cas laughs shyly and shakes his head.

“See? Now you kids get out of my house, it’s late.”

Dean rolls his eyes as he packs his books up. “Whatever, you just don’t want to be forced into studying.”

“Damn straight.”

“C’mon, Cas, I’ll take you home,” Dean says as he walks toward the door. As he passes Jo, he kisses her on the forehead and says, “See you tomorrow.”

After a few minutes in the car, Cas asks, “So are you and Jo…together?”

Dean laughs a little too loudly before responding. “No, definitely not. I’m not really, uh, the ‘relationship’ type.”

“Oh.” Cas’ immediate reaction is disappointment because he thinks that Dean is implying that he just sleeps around a lot, but then he remembers Dean’s dating profile and becomes completely confused. 

“You OK, dude? You look like you’re overthinking something.” 

“Hmm? Oh, no, I’m—I’m fine. I’m not either—the relationship type, I mean.”

“I didn’t think you were, no offense. Is this you?”

“Yes, the building straight ahead with the G on it. You can just drop me off wherever.”

Dean slows to a stop near the G and turns to Cas. “Well, it was cool hanging out with you.” 

“Yeah, um, you too. Thanks for reading my essay. And for taking me home.” 

“Yeah, man, it’s no problem. I’ll see you around I guess.” 

Cas starts to get out of the car, but Dean stops him right before he shuts the door behind him.

“Wait, Cas! Could I, uh, get your phone number? Um, you know, we could study together again or something. If you want.”

Cas’ face lights up. “Of course, Dean. I would like that very much.”


	4. Chapter 4

Dean doesn’t sleep that night. He lies on his back in bed and stares at his ceiling and wishes that his brain would just _shut up._

But Cas.

Cas was so much like him in so many ways, but also so vastly different. He was sure where Dean was uncertain, uncertain where Dean was sure. He laughed at the wrong things and got confused at random moments, and whenever Dean started to feel comfortable around him something would shift and they would both seem nervous again. Nervous because there was _something_ between them, something that was trying to click into place but never quite made it.

Dean can’t decide what he wants to do with the phone number, but he really hopes he just doesn’t fuck it up. He’s sick of fucking things up. And Cas is awesome. But Dean is scared.

He’s certain he’s failed his physics test when he walks out of the classroom the next morning at 9:27 a.m. He gets through the rest of his classes and then takes his short shift at the south campus library where he sits behind a desk and checks out books for people and plays solitaire on his computer. Charlie and Jo unexpectedly show up toward the end of his shift.

“I hear you had a hot date last night,” Charlie greets as she leans over the counter.

Dean doesn’t even look up from his monitor. “Yes, it was very exciting. We had a ton of sex and then he snuck out this morning before I woke up.”

“Dean’s being modest. He let Cas lick his ice cream cone,” Jo interjects.

“Oh my god. _You_ , hand-washing police Dean Winchester, let a man you just met lick your ice cream cone? This is monumental.”

“You guys are dicks. Get out of here before I get in trouble, I’ve still got 15 minutes on the clock.”

“Fine, we’ll behave. But we’re waiting on you to get dinner, so you’re welcome,” Charlie answers.

Dinner ends up being an hour and a half of questions about Cas. They get Dean to admit at one point that he was interested in calling him, but that’s all they get out of him.

“Did you think he was at least cute? I mean, you know...” Charlie says. 

Dean rubs his hands over his eyes. “Honestly? Not particularly, no.”

Jo leans forward dramatically. “Are you fucking serious? Even _I_ thought he was attractive.”

“You think everybody’s attractive, moron. I don’t know, he was just…? Kinda odd-looking. His skin was too smooth and his eyes were too big. And his mouth, his mouth was weird. Please stop looking at me like that, it’s not like I spent all night staring at him.” 

Jo and Charlie turn to look at each other. “He’s gonna fall in love with him,” Charlie deadpans.

“How much time before the end of the semester? Three months? I’ll give it two.”

“I’ll say a month and a half.”

“Guys. I’m _right here_.”

Jo stands with her empty plate. “Dean Winchester, if you don’t call him I’m gonna kick your ass.”

“Yes, ma’am.” 

 

* * *

 

Cas is in the middle of silently disagreeing with everything that comes out of the mouth of the girl he hates in his American literature after 1950 class when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. Dean W. is calling.

As he’s making his way across campus to get to his Shakespeare class on time, he texts Dean back. _Who the hell calls these days anyway_ , he thinks.

_In class all day, I’ll call you back around 5._

Cas is at his desk and pulling his laptop out when he gets a response.

 _Oh right, duh. I actually have work ‘til 6 so call me any time after that._

_Sounds good._

He thinks about adding a smiley face, but then he remembers that he’s never used a fucking smiley face in a text message in his life. God, what the fuck has gotten into him. 

As the day drags on, Cas gets more and more nervous. He doesn’t really know why, either. He’s more of the stoic type. Unaware of social cues and therefore unfazed by people in general, but Dean’s got him all confused and kind of afraid and he doesn’t know what that means.

He manages to keep it together during the call. He still wishes with every fiber of his being that after this, Dean becomes more of the texting type because honestly who likes talking on the phone with somebody you’re already awkward enough around.

“Hey, Cas.” 

“Dean. Hello.” 

“So, um, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out this weekend?”

Cas breathes a sigh of relief. Dean is clearly just as nervous as he is. “I would like that very much. What did you have in mind?”

The line goes quiet for a beat, but then, “Have you ever been to a poetry slam?”

Cas wants to laugh, but he holds it. “A what?”

“Oh god, that sounded so ridiculous. I’m sorry, man, I’m so bad at this. Um, I just thought—being an English major you’d maybe like it. It’s just students on a team who write and perform spoken word. Friday’s event isn’t competitive or anything, I actually think anybody can perform.”

“Oh. That sounds really nice actually. I think I would like that very much, Dean.”

“Awesome, I think you will too. It’s on campus so I figured we could get dinner at the dining hall before. If you want. Some of my friends might be there, too, but they’re not going to the slam. Um—”

“What time should I meet you at the dining hall?”

“Six.”

“Thank you, Dean. I will see you then.” 

“Yeah, you, too. Cas.” 

“Goodbye, Dean.”

“Bye, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally think that 21-year-old Misha Collins was plenty cute enough, so please excuse that less than satisfactory description Dean gave.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean wasn’t lying when he said he doesn’t find Cas good-looking. But, try as he might to stop, right now he’s looking more at Cas’ reactions to the performers than he’s looking at the actual performers.

Cas’ face lights up with amusement, it creases with concern, softens with pity, grows dark with rage—sometimes all during a single three-minute piece of poetry. Dean is mesmerized by it, and he’s weirdly proud of himself for knowing that Cas would love this.

He expected Jo to make fun of him when he said he was thinking about asking Cas to a spoken word event, but instead her eyes had softened and she said that was such a “sweet idea.” Dean would’ve preferred mocking.

In between each performance, Cas turns to Dean with more excitement than Dean thought he was capable of. It’s always, “I think that one was my favorite,” “I’m not sure I agreed with some of that,” “Did you understand that metaphor? I’m not sure I did,” “Wow, that one really opened my eyes to some issues I had never considered,” “What did you think of that one, Dean?” right until the next performer begins.

About halfway through the night, a freshman named Cassie performs a piece about what it’s like to feel loved when you don’t feel like anyone should love you. Dean gets an itch to put his arm around the back of Cas’ chair. He folds his hands in his lap instead.

After the last performer leaves the stage, people immediately start getting out of their seats and mingling with one another. Cas doesn’t move. “That was the last performance?” he asks, sounding completely defeated.

“Yeah, buddy, we just listened to like 30 poets.” Dean stands and stretches out his back.

“It seemed so short.”

Dean laughs because he can’t believe how personally offended Cas seems. “We’ve been here for two hours.”

Cas looks up at Dean with heartbreak in his eyes. “What am I supposed to do now?” 

Dean instinctively sits back down and places a firm hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Cas, buddy. Get a hold of yourself. We can go back to my place and watch a movie or something if that’ll make you feel better?” 

“Yes. Yes, that sounds good. I would like to do that, please.”

Once they’re outside and Cas has recovered a bit more, he doesn’t shut up about the poetry until they’ve walked all the way to Dean’s apartment. He barely registers that he’s in a new place when they walk in the front door.

Dean finally cuts him off. “To be honest, Cas, I didn’t think you were capable of talking this much.”

Cas tilts his head. “Am I annoying you, Dean?” 

“What? Of course not. Just surprising, that’s all. And, also, we’re at my apartment now if you didn’t notice.”

Cas looks around him as if he really didn’t notice. “It’s very…clean here.”

“Yeah, I, uh, am a little obsessive. Not my best quality.”

“Where are your roommates?”

“Don’t have any.”

“Wow. I am very jealous of you right now. My roommate is every kind of awful imaginable.” Cas moves to sit on Dean’s couch in his small living room.

“Yeah, I just—had a bad experience last year and decided to fork over the extra cash to get my own place.” He’s on full scholarship, but there’s no way he’s going to tell Cas that. “So what movie do you want to watch?”

“I’m not picky. You can decide.”

Dean reaches in the corner next to the couch and pulls out a box full of DVDs. He starts listing titles he likes, and Cas stops him on _Signs._  

“Shyamalan fan?” Dean asks as he pops the DVD into the player and takes a seat on the opposite end of the couch. 

“I’ve seen a few of his movies, but never this one. I always intended to watch it.”

“It’s pretty awesome. Not particularly scary, though. More…creepy I guess. Gave me chills the first time I watched it.”

Cas nods like he’s listening, but his eyes are transfixed on the screen. He pulls his legs up and hugs his knees to his chest. The word _adorable_ stupidly flashes through Dean’s mind.

Dean decides 30 minutes into the movie that he’s never watching another movie with Cas again. It’s like the opposite of how he was at the poetry slam.

He laughs at completely inappropriate moments. Whenever Joaquin Phoenix comes on screen, he mumbles “Merrill” in a funny accent and then giggles. He doesn’t even react at the suspenseful moments, and he visibly yawns at the first sign of an alien.

But then he cries at the end. Just a tiny bit, a few stray tears and two sniffles and that’s it. He doesn’t seem to realize that most people would be embarrassed about crying at the end of a thriller in front of a friend you’ve only hung out with twice.

“I enjoyed that very much,” Cas says with a final wipe to his eyes.

“Um. Dude, you _cried._ ”

“Well yes, it was a powerful ending,” Cas replies as if this is the simplest thing in the world to comprehend.

“You didn’t cry at any of the poems tonight though, and those were way more powerful than Mel Gibson finding God again.”

“We were in public. I try to keep my emotions in check when around others. They are unpredictable and out of place and sometimes more intense than my personality suggests, so I try not to make people feel uncomfortable. Am I making you feel uncomfortable, Dean?”

Dean just stares at him unblinking for several seconds.

“It’s very late. Would you mind driving me home?”

“Oh, um, yeah. I mean, no. No, I wouldn’t mind.”

The drive to Cas’ is a lot less tense this time. Cas is honest about how good of a time he had, and he’s confident when he says he wants to hang out again soon. He even offers to let Dean come inside, but then he remembers how late it is and how pissed his roommate gets when there’s any noise whatsoever. Before he gets out of the Impala, he casually reaches over and touches the back of Dean’s right hand for a moment.

“I like spending time with you, Dean.”

This time when Dean gets home, he has the best night of sleep he’s gotten since starting college a year and a half ago.


	6. Chapter 6

“He initiated last time, it’s your turn, you big wuss. You like Dean. You were starting to get confident around Dean last weekend. You’ve been texting him for the past three days. Just fucking do it, you moron.”

Castiel knows he’s driving himself up a wall and into irrational territory. He only yells at himself in the mirror when he’s really pissed at his own behavior, and today is one of those days. He’s replayed Friday night’s events over and over in his head enough to get 100 pages and an entire play behind in two of his classes. He needs to spend a night in the library reading until he can’t see straight, but instead he’s pep-talking himself into asking Dean to hang out again. Probably because he knows he won’t get shit done until he picks up the phone.

They had been texting earlier while Dean was at work and Cas had a cancelled class, but their conversation had ended when Dean gave up arguing with Cas over which Godzilla movie is the best. It wouldn’t be weird to start a new conversation to just ask Dean if he wants to get burritos at Cas’ favorite restaurant this weekend.

But that’s two weekends in a row. And it’s only Tuesday. Would it seem desperate to ask somebody on Tuesday to hang out on the weekend? Is it too soon? Cas vaguely wonders what this situation would be like if he didn’t have a huge fucking crush on Dean.

And that’s really just the icing on the dysfunctional cake. Cas has no clue how to maintain a friendship in general, much less maintain a _new_ friendship with a guy he can hardly look at without a possessive monster pooling in his belly growling the word _mine_ over and over again. The only other time in his life he had felt this way, he stupidly tried to explain it and got himself punched in the jaw and promptly ditched at his senior prom. Meg Masters could do better than him anyway.

Of course Dean could too. Cas knew Dean thought he was weird and awkward, and when he made that dating profile he was probably hoping for somebody who’s seen all the Rocky movies and knows all about cars. 

Instead he got Cas, who cries during action movies and reads books all the time. Cas, who is definitely not treating this like a friendship and has no idea if Dean even notices.

As far as Cas is concerned, Dean is straight. But has no male friends. And asks guys to fucking poetry night apparently. And likes to text. Did straight guy friends text each other a lot? Cas can’t imagine that they do, but he also has no way of finding out.

Out of curiosity, Cas decided to look at Dean’s dating profile. When he goes to find it, he gets an error page saying the account could not be found.

Huh. Dean W. deleted his profile. That’s…interesting. 

 _Would you like to get dinner with me tomorrow?_ Cas sends the text without even thinking. Tomorrow? Apparently his subconscious wants to see Dean sooner than the weekend. He thinks about correcting it, but then his phone buzzes.

_Yeah, sure. Where?_

_Have you been to Tarrburrito’s?_

_No, never heard of it._  

_Seriously? Well it’s amazing, but we’d have to drive if that’s all right._

_You’re asking me because I have a car, aren’t you?_

_Maybe…_

_Fine. Jerk. I’ll come pick you up at 7._

_Thank you, Dean._

Cas lets out a breath that he feels like he’s been holding since Friday night. That was way easier than expected.

 

* * *

 

“Jesus Christ, this is the best burrito I’ve ever had.”

“I told you.”

“Yeah, but like, you didn’t _warn_ me. I’m going to be thinking about this burrito for weeks. This burrito’s going to give me nightmares. Cas, I don’t think you—”

“Dean, I think you may be overreacting.”

Dean closes his eyes and shovels more burrito into his mouth. “ _Nightmares,_ Cas.” 

Cas chuckles and crumples up his empty wrapper. “Well then I won’t take you here again.”

“The hell you talking about, _I’m_ the one who drove.”

Cas raises his eyebrows as if to say “good point.” He leans back in his chair and rests a hand on his stomach.

“Bored or just full?” Dean asks with a mouth full of food.

“Neither. What time do you have class on Thursdays?”

Dean can feel his face flush, but there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Cas’ eyes squint and then grow wide as if he realizes what he just implied. “Um, I work at the library in the mornings and then I have a class at 1 and another at 3. Why?”

“I was just wondering. You know, if you wanted to…hang out at my place after this or something. We could study again.” Cas clears his throat and scratches absentmindedly at his stomach.

Dean smiles. “Yeah, Cas, that would be great. You sure your roommate won’t mind?”

“He can suck my dick as far as I’m concerned.”

Dean nearly chokes on his burrito. 

Cas’ roommate is some kid from Scotland or some shit named Crowley. Dean can immediately see that he’s pretentious and snarky and everything that Cas isn’t.

And forward. He’s very forward.

“Ah, Cas, bringing a boy home finally? And a good-looking one, too. Wow, I didn’t think Cas had it in him,” Crowley says as he moves into Dean’s personal space and scrutinizes his features.

Dean turns his head in contempt. “I’m just here to study, man.”

“Oh. Well in that case, if you tire of Cas, you can—”

“Goodbye, Crowley,” Cas cuts in with a yank on Dean’s wrist. 

Dean lets himself get pulled all the way to Cas’ room and wow Cas is a lot stronger than he looks.

“I’m sorry about him.” 

“Dude, it’s fine. I see how he can get under your skin.”

“Yeah. I will be happy to escape this situation after this semester.”

Cas’ room is, of course, small. He’s got a wall of closet space and a twin bed shoved up against the opposite wall. His desk is between them, and there’s books and clothes and other various things strewn across his floor and desk.

“Sorry for the mess. I know you—”

“Cas. Please stop apologizing for things.” Dean throws his backpack onto the bed and takes a seat. He pulls out his laptop. “Wifi password?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-out to Carrburrito's, which is the burrito place at my school that has the moST AMAZING BURRITOS OF ALL TIME.


	7. Chapter 7

“So I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Hanging out with Dean.”

Cas can’t help the smile creeping up on his lips.

“God, you’ve got it bad. Have you talked to him about it?” Anna pushes the food around on her plate like she’s completely uninterested in it.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Oh right, yeah, because waiting to talk about it worked out _so well_ for you last time.”

“You weren’t even there last time. And besides, this is different. Dean isn’t Meg. He…understands our boundaries.”

Cas is lying. He and Dean licked each other’s ice cream cones again last week. Several times. Dean pushed Cas’ hair back from his eyes and stroked his face when he was dropping him off the other day. Cas didn’t even bother trying to wake Dean up (and in fact wrapped an arm around him) when he fell asleep on Cas’ shoulder during _Pacific Rim_ Friday.

They get lunch together on campus every other day. Cas had to get unlimited texting on his phone three weeks ago. Cas can’t remember the last weekend he didn’t spend at least two consecutive days hanging out with Dean. They even frequent a bar (luckily Dean has a fake) where the servers assume they’re dating, and they don’t correct them. 

Yet Dean is still just “Dean W.” and Cas has not revealed that he’s Castiel Novak. Sexuality is still “N/A.” They still get awkward and shy around each other sometimes and conversations will abruptly come to a standstill. Cas misinterprets things Dean says on an almost daily basis, and Dean is constantly thrown off guard by Cas’ misplaced responses and lack of pop culture knowledge. Cas tried to hang out with Dean, Jo and Charlie one time and it failed miserably. They decided to never speak of it again.

So no, Dean and Cas certainly have not discussed boundaries and what that means for them. Cas honestly has no idea what the fuck they’re even doing.

“You need to talk to him,” Anna says sternly.

Cas looks down at his hands. “What if the same thing happens again?”

“Has he tried to kiss you yet?”

“Well, no—”

“Then it’s not like you and Meg. Talk to him before you ruin everything.”

“I thought you just said that it _was_ like me and Meg.” 

“Yeah, well, I just don’t want to see it get to that point so I’m trying to scare you out of it. Please, Castiel.” 

Cas meets Anna’s eyes and finds weighted worry lining her face. There’s something else in her expression too, but Cas can’t quite place it. It’s something…secretive? Like she knows something he doesn’t and wants desperately to tell him.

“You’re my best friend, even if I’ve been replaced as yours. I won’t watch you get hurt because of some dumb strangely cocky nerd who may or may not want to get in your pants. Please be careful.”

There’s a long pause before Cas says, “I’m sorry I’ve been spending all my time with him lately. Of course you’re still my best friend.”

Cas and Anna end up spending the whole day together. Dean texts Cas twice, but Cas ignores him. He can wait until tomorrow.

 

* * *

  

Dean’s not the type to panic. Well, except that one time Sammy forgot one of his lines in  _Our Town_ and Dean _almost_ leaped on stage to rescue him. But that was just one time.

It doesn’t really make sense for Dean to be panicking over Cas’ silence right now. They hadn’t planned on hanging out today, but it’s a Friday and Dean can’t remember the last time he hadn’t spent a Friday with Cas. (Four weeks? Maybe five? Dean has no idea.) And Cas has certainly never let seven hours pass without texting Dean back. Especially when Dean’s texted him twice. 

He thinks about texting him a third time before realizing how ridiculous he’s being and tossing his phone onto his bed across the room. A few minutes later he’s picking it back up again along with his car keys.

“Dean Winchester. I thought you’d fallen off the face of the earth, brother.”

The voice washes over Dean and brings with it a rush of calm and familiar contentment. “Hey, Benny.”

“How you been?”

“Uh, I’m good. You?”

“You don’t sound too hot, Dean. You sure you’re all right?”

“Nah, man, I just…I’m sorry, I just had a rough day.” Dean takes a drag of his beer before slumping to the ground.

“Where are you?”

“Bar. Well, outside of it now.”

The line goes quiet for a second. “How much you had to drink, brother?”

“Enough.”

“You should call a cab. Get some rest. Call me tomorrow.” 

“I get it. You don’t want to talk, it’s cool. I actually haven’t thought about you in months, so, you know…” 

“Hey now, let’s not forget who ended it, Dean. I told you what I wanted.”

Dean huffs a humorless laugh. “Yeah, ‘told’ me. Sure.”

“You need to get home. You’re going to regret this conversation in the morning.”

There’s a pause. 

“Dean?”

“I miss you, man.”

“You know I feel the same. But you know exactly why we…can’t.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I’m—I’m sorry, I shouldn’t’ve called.” 

“No, no, it’s all right. Just get home, please? I’ll check on you tomorrow, all right?”

“OK, Benny.”

Dean wakes up around noon the next day feeling like he could spend all day vomiting. He’s up for two hours before he even remembers to check his phone.

He actually does vomit when he sees the two missed calls and three text messages.

Two of the three are from Cas. 

_Sorry, I was with Anna all day._

_Dean?_

The third is from Charlie. 

_Benny called last night. Told me to make sure you were ok today. So…are you ok?_

The two missed calls are from Benny.

Dean starts by texting Charlie back, telling her that he’s fine and that he’s sorting everything out now and he’ll call her later. He then texts Cas back to tell him sorry, but instead he stupidly writes _Don’t ever let me drink again._

He calls Benny back before Cas responds.

“Well, look who’s alive. You remember anything?”

“Hey, Benny, yeah. Look, I’m sorry, man.”

“I know. But seriously, you all right now?”

Dean scrubs a hand down his face. “There’s this guy.”


	8. Chapter 8

Cas waits an entire two hours before Dean texts him back again. He sits at his computer and nervously checks his phone every five seconds until finally it buzzes. 

_Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I just drank too much last night and have a hangover. You busy tonight?_

_Not particularly._

_Why don’t you come over for dinner? I was planning on cooking anyway._

Cas’ heart lurches at the prospect of Dean cooking for him, and then he briefly wonders if Dean is any good at cooking at all.

Dean is a fantastic chef. Cas can tell before he even takes a bite. He sits up at the counter and pretends to be studying for an exam on Monday, but really he just gapes as Dean expertly works his way around the small kitchen. He swears he’s making something “simple” but he had a fucking plant out on the counter earlier that he was picking leaves off of and putting into a food processor along with several other seemingly random ingredients. At this point it smells more like a garden than a meal, and everything Cas has seen so far has been bright green.

“Pesto, from scratch,” Dean says eventually.

“Hmm?”

“I know you’ve been wondering. I’m making pesto. With chicken. You like carbs but you also like healthy green stuff, so I figured this was a compromise.”

Cas feels his face flush because Dean W. just casually mentioned his eating habits. “I’ve had pesto a couple times. I’m sure I’ll love it.”

“Well even if you don’t, pretend like you do. Here, try it,” Dean says as he sticks a spoonful of green pasta in Cas’ face.

Cas wraps his lips around the spoon and moans. He closes his eyes and chews slowly.

When he opens them, Dean is back at the stove with his head down and his face looking confused or concerned or something. 

“Dean?”

“Mm?”

“That’s very good...and I'm not pretending.”

Dean smiles, but it seems forced and he’s still looking down. “Thanks, Cas.” 

Dean eventually lightens up again and then they’re sitting at the table eating pesto and Cas is so focused on the food that he doesn’t speak for at least 10 minutes. It’s not until he’s helped himself to a second plate that Dean clears his throat and Cas looks up at him.

“This is very good, Dean.” 

“Yeah, um, I know. You said that already. Are you doing anything for spring break?”

“I usually just go home, why?”

“Where are you from again? Have I ever even asked you that?” 

Cas chuckles. “Lebanon. Your family lives in Lawrence, right?” 

“Yeah. Do you want to…I mean, I can give you a ride home.”

“Dean, that’s four hours out of your way.”

“OK, true, but would you want to…I don’t know, come hang out with me and my brother? We have a guest bedroom in our house, and my mom’s a better cook than I am.”

The possessive monster in Cas’ belly rears its ugly head. “I think I would like that, yes.”

“Really? I mean, awesome.”

They share shy smiles before Cas asks, “Why don’t you go home more often? It’s only a 30-minute drive, isn’t it?”

“Oh, uh, Sammy needs his space. He’s 16, he doesn’t need his brother bugging him all the time. I went home a lot last semester, but I don’t know. Haven’t wanted to as much this semester.” 

“You and Sam are very close?”

Dean smiles in a way Castiel has never seen before. If he had to put a name to it, he’d say it’s the first time he’s seen Dean express love. “Yeah, we are. You’ll love him, I promise.”

“If he’s anything like you, I’m sure I will.”

Oh god. What the fuck did Cas just say. He just ruined everything. Oh god.

Dean laughs out loud, and that’s? Not the reaction Cas was expecting. “Dude, he’s nothing like me. I can’t wait for you guys to meet.”

Dean talks about Sam for a while, and then he takes their dishes and immediately cleans them, and Cas curls up on the couch like he lives here.

Dean turns on crap television and they both sit on their computers and occasionally talk to each other, but really they’re just enjoying being in the same room together. Cas eventually notices that Dean has fallen asleep right there with his hands still on his keyboard.

He gently nudges him awake and Dean looks incredibly offended. “Dude, what the hell.”

“You fell asleep, and it’s very late. Why don’t I just stay here tonight? I can sleep on the couch.”

Dean rubs his eyes and nods, and within minutes he’s in his room and Cas is falling asleep on the couch, and it’s not weird at all.

 

* * *

 

Maybe it’s not healthy for Dean to talk to _Benny_ of all people about Cas, but he really doesn’t have many other options. 

Jo tries really hard to understand, but she just doesn’t. Charlie’s too nice about it. Sam’s completely in the dark about Dean’s entire…situation.

Benny’s the best Dean’s got.

Or at least that’s what he tells himself.

“So what you’re saying is that he pretty much said he loves you?” Benny asks suspiciously.

“Yeah, pretty much.” 

“And you?”

“And I what?”

“You love him.”

Dean stares at his coffee cup. “I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t even know his fucking last name.”

“How long was it before you knew with me?” 

“Ten minutes.”

Dean can practically hear Benny shaking his head. “You’re a hopeless romantic, and I mean that in the most literal way possible.”

“Thanks, Benny, what are you going to tell me next? That the sky’s blue and my car is awesome?”

“My question is why hasn’t Cas made his move yet.”

Dean doesn’t answer for a long time. “What happens if he does?”

“Don’t react the way you did with me.”

Dean’s been over it a million times, how it could go with Cas. Every single scenario he can think of ends horribly. 

He calls Cas as soon as he hangs up with Benny.

“Want to study at my place tonight?”

“Sure.”

“Cool, I’ll swing by in like two hours.”

“Sounds good.”

It’s easy with Cas the way things are now. Dean thinks they may have clicked into place and have settled together as best as they can, but sometimes there’s still some weird unexplained tension between them. Like there’s words hanging in the air or emotions they aren’t letting through a wall. Of course he knows what he’s keeping from Cas (and for good reason), but he has no idea what Cas is keeping from him (and he’s sure there’s something). And they’re going to be stuck like this, comfortable but not quite right, until they suck it up and talk it out.

They make progress that night, and Dean feels a lot better in the morning.

Cas decides to make camp sprawled out on Dean’s bed to study, so Dean goes to his desk. But then he’s moved to the floor. And then he’s leaning up against his bed. And OK so somehow he’s lying on his stomach on his bed while Cas is next to him on his back in the opposite direction like some platonic 69 shit.

As it gets later, they abandon their books and end up staring at the ceiling as they talk. Dean doesn’t know how or when it happens, but they’re curled up facing each other, and for some reason neither of them is freaking out about this.

“Winchester?” Cas interrupts.

“Yeah, my last name. You didn’t know my last name?”

“You’ve never told me.”

Dean puts his hand out as if he’s going to shake Cas’. “Well hello, Cas, I’m Dean Winchester, nice to meet you.”

Cas takes his hand and laughs. They hold on for just a second too long.

“Hey, what the hell’s _your_ last name, man?”

Cas worries his bottom lip and scrunches his eyebrows and says, “Novak.”

“Cas Novak, that’s a great—oh my god.”

“And Cas is short for Castiel.” 

Dean feels like he can’t breathe he’s so embarrassed. “You fucking asshole.” He smacks Cas’ forehead playfully.

“Ow, you—”

“Oh my god, you’ve known this whole time. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’ve had some pretty terrible things happen to me, _Castiel_.”

“To be fair, I kept my name from you for this long to avoid this embarrassment. I’m embarrassed as well.” 

“Well you fucking should be. Why the fuck didn’t you message me back, dude?” Dean props himself up on his elbow to get a better look at Cas.

“Knowing me now, are you honestly surprised that I didn’t message you back?”

Dean purses his lips. “OK, yeah, that’s a good point. Still, you could’ve said something. I was bent up about you not messaging me back for like a week.”

“That’s the most pathetic thing you’ve ever said.”

“Hey, whatever, at least I’m not a dick who doesn’t respond to people’s messages.”

“The end result remains the same. You got your friend.”

Sudden warmth washes over Dean and for a brief, panicked moment he considers leaning in and kissing Cas. Instead, he says, “I did, didn’t I?”

Cas doesn’t sleep over that night, but Dean’s fairly sure he would’ve been perfectly content had he woken up to Cas’ sleeping face in the morning.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Cas can’t stop looking at the time. He hasn’t heard a single word his professor’s said during this entire class. And the class before it. He’s so ready for spring break he can practically taste Mrs. Winchester’s cherry pie.

Dean has texted him seven times in the past three hours.

_I’ll be at your place around 5._

_I lied. It’ll be 6. Sorry._

_How much stuff are you bringing? I need to know how much space to make in my car._

_Sammy keeps asking me what time we’re going to be there. I already want to kill him._

_My mom wants to know if you like sweet potatoes._

_Cas?_

_Sorry, you’re probably in class, I should stop texting you._  

“Girlfriend?”

The voice makes Cas nearly jump out of his chair. He turns to the girl who regularly sits next to him in his Spanish class.

“I’m sorry. You were just—you were smiling at your phone, so I assumed…”

Cas smiles then. “Boyfriend, actually.”

“Oh,” the girl (Tessa he thinks is her name) says suggestively. “He cute?”

“Extremely.”

“Good for you. I can tell you’re really happy.” 

“Thank you. I…really am.”

Cas rushes back to his apartment after that. He just stupidly called Dean Winchester his fucking _boyfriend_ to a stranger and wow, Cas, great job there. Start planning the wedding now. Yeah, right. Like there’s any universe where that would even be a possibility.

In any case, he hasn’t even started packing and he’s only got an hour and shit, of course Crowley hasn’t left yet.

“Going somewhere special, Castiel?” he asks smugly as soon as Cas bursts through the door.

Cas goes to his room but keeps the door open as he rummages through his stuff for his duffel bag. “I’m going to Lawrence.”

Crowley whistles. “Wow, you’re really branching out with that one.”

“I’m staying with a friend, you ass.”

“That pretty one? What’s his name? Winchester or something?”

“How the hell did you know his last name?”

“I know everything, Cas. And you talk in your sleep.”

Cas stops and turns a horrified expression on Crowley. He what?

“Oh god, I was _kidding_. But now I know how bad you’ve got it, lover boy.”

“It’s none of your business. Dean and I are just friends.”

“Yeah, and I’m the queen of England. When are you going to grow a pair and tell him how you _feel_?”

“Again, I don’t see how this is any of your business.”

“Fine. But I think you’re—”

Cas slams the door to his room and doesn’t hear the rest of Crowley’s sentence. He’s got too much to do to be wasting time arguing about Dean with his annoying roommate. Of course he forgot to text Dean back earlier, so he’s surprised when he hears his phone buzz.

_Dude, I’m coming at 6 whether you respond to my texts or not._

Cas quickly types back, _Sorry, yeah I know. Packing now._

_OK good. See you soon._

Dean shows up right on time, and Cas is so far in rush mode that he starts shoving stuff in Dean’s arms as soon as he walks through the door. 

“Whoa, hey, slow down there, buddy. Too much coffee today?”

“Cas is flustered about meeting the family,” Crowley mocks.

“That’s false. I’m actually excited about meeting your family. I was just rushing to pack, but now that you’re here I guess there’s no rush. Unless your family eats dinner at a certain time?” 

“We don’t eat before 7, and we’ll be there before then even if you move at normal speed.” Dean throws Cas’ duffel bag onto his shoulder and reaches out to take his backpack for him, too.

“You know he’s capable of carrying his own luggage, right?” Crowley asks condescendingly. 

Cas turns a hard look on Crowley, but Dean is unaffected. “I don’t mind. What am I gonna do, stand here and chat it up with _you_ while Cas loads the car by himself? That’s dumb.”

Cas has to stop himself from busting out laughing. Crowley scowls at both of them and then heads to his room.

“Why the fuck is he still here anyway? Doesn’t he have somewhere to go for spring break?” 

“I’m sure he does, but I don’t really care.”

“Wow, Cas, tell me how you really feel.” 

They make it to the Impala and Dean pops the trunk and strategically places Cas’ stuff around his own. He reaches his hand out to take the rest of the stuff from Cas.

“I will never not think it odd how meticulous you are about arbitrary things,” Cas states.

Dean laughs and shakes his head.

“What?”

“I just can’t wait to have you and Sammy ganging up on me all week.”

“I hope you know I have high expectations for this brother of yours. I’ve never heard you speak of anyone so fondly.” 

They settle into the front seat of the car, and Dean messes with the radio before taking off. 

“Don’t tell Sam anything I’ve said. He’ll get all doe-eyed and try to hug me or something.”

Cas is confused as to why this would be a problem, but he simply tucks it away as just one of those things he hasn’t pieced together about Dean yet. He leans back in his seat and closes his eyes and listens to Dean sing poorly and loudly along with the radio.

“All right, you ready, Cas?” Dean asks once they’re parked in the driveway.

“Yes, of—”

Cas is cut off by a gangly teenager knocking on his window. Cas doesn’t flinch, but he turns and opens his door. 

“You must be Cas. I’m Sam.” The boy sticks his hand out eagerly and looks at Cas like he’s the fucking president.

“Hi, Sam. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“No he hasn’t,” Dean cuts in from behind the Impala where he’s unloading his and Cas’ stuff. “You morons gonna help me out or not?”

“My mom’s making steak for dinner. You like steak, right?” Sam asks, ignoring Dean.

“Yes, I—”

“Seriously, guys. Not your fucking slave.”

“Dean, can you be cool for like three seconds? God,” Sam snaps back. 

“I don’t know, can you not be a bitch for three seconds?”

Cas feels like he just stepped into some sort of parallel universe.

“Sorry my brother’s a dick and you have to be friends with him,” Sam says to Cas.

“I’m sorry you have to be related to him,” Cas answers very seriously.

Sam throws his head back laughing while Dean slams the trunk and gives Cas his most menacing stare.

Cas thinks Dean might actually be mad at him for a second, but then Dean walks past him and Sam and says, “Thirty seconds. It took 30 seconds for you to join his side.”

Cas follows Sam and Dean up to the front door and decides to keep his mouth shut while they continue bickering back and forth at each other. A woman with wavy blonde hair and a warm smile all too similar to Dean’s opens the door for them.

“Welcome home, sweetie. Let me take that bag,” she says to Dean before reaching for his duffel.

“I got it, Mom. Help Cas instead,” Dean responds before leaning down to give his mother a kiss on the cheek.

“So that makes you Cas? Oh honey, I’m so sorry you have to spend spring break with my boys.” Mrs. Winchester takes Cas’ satchel right out of his hand as he’s walking through the door.

“I’m sure I’ll manage. You have a lovely home, Mrs. Winchester.”

“Please, call me Mary. Mrs. Winchester is my mother-in-law.” Mary does a fake shudder and sets Cas’ bag at the foot of the stairs, which are directly to the right immediately inside the front door. “Dinner will be ready in about 15 minutes, so you guys can take all your stuff upstairs now. Dean, show Cas to the guest bedroom. I cleaned everything in there today because I know you get all fussy about that sort of stuff.”

“What about _my_ room?” Dean whines.

“Yeah, yeah, your sheets are clean, your floor is vacuumed, bathroom’s been scrubbed. You big weird neat freak.” Mary ruffles Dean’s hair affectionately before turning to head back to the kitchen. “Make yourself at home, Cas,” she says over her shoulder before disappearing around the corner.

Dean turns to Sam before they make their way upstairs. “Where’s Dad?”

Sam rolls his eyes dramatically. “He and Mom have been fighting, so he’s been staying late at work. He probably won’t be home for dinner.”

“Worse than usual?”

“No, same shit. He’s probably gonna be a dick to you, Cas. Just warning you,” Sam says over his shoulder as he gets to the top of the stairs.

Cas shrugs. “I’m sure I can manage.”

Dean gives him a disbelieving look but doesn’t say anything. Sam then turns left, but Dean turns right and motions for Cas to follow.

At the end of the hall there’s three doors, one on each of the three walls. Dean pushes his shoulder into the door to the left and throws his stuff inside before saying, “That’s your room,” while pointing his head toward the door facing them. 

Cas opens the door and is immediately assaulted with the smell of Febreze. The room is clearly a bonus-room-turned-guest-room with slanted walls and several windows. Cas throws his bags on the bed and turns around to find Dean leaning against the doorframe.

“It’s nice, right?” Dean asks confidently. 

Cas smiles at how comfortable Dean is here, how very _at home_ and relaxed he seems. So very different from the awkward guy with ice cream dripping down his face he met a couple months ago. “Very nice. Thank you, Dean.”

“Dude, quit smiling at me like that, it’s weird.”

Cas just keeps on smiling. “You like weird.”

Dean smiles too and drops his head to the floor and it’s then that Cas panics as he realizes that he and Dean are openly flirting. Before Cas can _really_ freak out about this, Sam comes up behind Dean and rests his elbow on Dean’s head.

“I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?” Sam asks genuinely. 

“No, dumbass, get your arm off me,” Dean replies with a shove to Sam’s arm. “Fucking gargantuan,” he mumbles to himself.

“Boys! Dinner!” Mary calls from downstairs.

Sam and Dean immediately run toward the stairs, pushing each other into the walls as they go.

Cas stands in place for a second, still trying to figure out what planet he’s been beamed into.

When he gets downstairs, Sam and Dean are already sitting at the table with plates full of food. Mary hands Cas a plate of food without even turning away from the stove and tells him to pick any seat he wants, even if it means telling Sam or Dean to move.

Cas ends up sitting across from Dean and next to Mary, and there’s an empty seat at the end of the table presumably where Mr. Winchester should be sitting. 

They all dig in without saying much other than complimenting Mary on how delicious the food is. Cas tries to eat slowly, but it’s very difficult when he’s given something so amazing. He’s always been an enthusiastic eater, much to his family’s displeasure. But here, it seems like it’s completely acceptable to eat like a garbage disposal. Cas has come to expect this behavior from Dean, but he never imagined that Dean inherited it from his mother. (Sam, on the other hand and despite being a growing child obviously on the tail end of puberty, is more than civilized to the point where it’s a little unnerving. He appears not to notice that he’s the odd one out in this matter.) 

As the meal progresses, Mary asks Cas typical questions about his family, his major, what he plans to do after he graduates. Dean and Sam jump in occasionally, Dean mostly saying things like, “You never told me that” and “Are you serious?”

Sam eventually says, “Wow Dean, are you sure you’ve met Cas before today? You sure you didn’t just pick up a random stranger off the side of the road on your way home? Cas, he didn’t kidnap you, did he? You can be honest with me.”

Cas laughs and continues eating as Dean smacks the back of Sam’s head. “Cas and I skipped over the small talk I guess.”

Mary cocks an eyebrow at that confession, but nobody seems to notice except Cas.

“Um, is it OK if I—”

“I got you, Cas,” Dean interrupts before standing and carrying his and Cas’ plates to the stove for seconds.

Cas looks down at his lap to hide his blush. Dean may not know that Cas wants to write for an environmental journal after college, but he knows when Cas wants seconds. Cas can feel Mary’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t turn to look at her. 

Toward the end of dinner, Cas and Mary get into a discussion about their favorite poets while Sam talks Dean’s ear off about some girl who keeps buying him Final Fantasy game time so they can play together. Sam and Dean eventually clear the table and wash all the dishes, and Cas barely even notices until Dean interrupts his and Mary’s conversation.

“Um, Sam and I are going to go play Halo in his room. Cas, you’re welcome to join us unless…” 

“Dean, you know we are terrible at playing video games together. I will come watch you and your brother when I’m done talking to your mom.”

Dean grins and says, “Whatever, dude. See you later.”

Cas watches Dean leave and then turns back to Mary. She’s smiling at him like he’s some sort of lost puppy or something.

“You like my son.”

Cas swallows but maintains eye contact. “I—really don’t think—”

“I’m not angry, and I’m not going to ask you questions about it. But you should know that…Dean is, well, he’s different. He’s not going to, um, respond well if he finds out.”

“What do you mean?” Cas’ voice sounds level enough, but he feels like his heart just dropped to the floor and is pulling him down with it.

“Well, I’m not exactly sure myself. I’ve never talked to Dean about it, but he doesn’t…date. He gets very close to people, and those people inevitably fall in love with him, but then it just—ends.”

“And you don’t know why?”

“I believe my son has very serious commitment issues that he hasn’t figured out yet. It’s something you should know before you, um, you know. Fall in love with him.”

_Too late._

 

* * *

 

Dean doesn’t know if Castiel is acting differently in his house or if it’s just having Cas in a different environment that’s throwing them both off. In any case, as soon as they got here it was weird. Well, weirder than usual.

Like Cas talking to his mom until almost midnight, like what the fuck is that about. And Cas smiling at Dean all gooey-eyed like he wants to kiss him or something.

Wait a second. What if Cas wants to kiss him or something.

“Dean, can you please act at least a little bit interested in playing?” Sam asks, sounding completely annoyed from beside Dean.

Dean snaps out of his thought process and turns his attention back to the screen. “Sorry, Sammy, I was—”

“Wondering what Cas and Mom are talking about? Yeah, same.”

Dean keeps his attention on the game and says, “ _Right?_ I mean, it’s weird, right?”

“Cas is a weirdo, dude. But, like, you’re a weirdo too, so I guess I get it. He’s way cooler than you though. I don’t know if I could sit and chat with my friends’ moms the day I meet them, and I’m pretty good around parents.” 

Dean briefly wonders what this situation would be like reversed. He knows absolutely nothing about Cas’ family other than that they live in Lebanon, but he strongly believes he wouldn’t be inclined to have private conversations with either of Cas’ parents, even if they are as cool as his own mom. “Cas was so awkward the day we met, but he just immediately hit it off with Mom. Like what the fuck.”

“Aww, Dean’s jealous ‘cause Mom’s cooler than him and steals his friends. How cute.” 

Dean smacks Sam on the top of the head with his controller. “I’m not—”

Sam’s eyes turn to the door then, and Dean’s follow. Cas stands in the frame looking uncomfortable.

“Hey man, did you have a nice chat with Mom?” Dean asks as he continues playing.

“I…did, yes.” Cas moves behind where Sam and Dean are sitting on the floor and plops down on Sam’s bed.

“Glad to see you’re making yourself at home, Cas,” Sam says kindly.

“I do very much like it here. I’m glad Dean invited me.”

Dean smiles for a little too long at that.

Cas doesn’t say much after that, just sitting quietly as Sam and Dean shout at each other for the next hour or so. Sam’s the one who decides to call it quits and immediately kicks Dean and Cas out of his room. 

Cas gets the bathroom first to get ready for bed, so Dean starts unpacking some of his stuff and organizing his room. After a few minutes he hears a throat clearing and turns to see Cas in his boxers and a t-shirt standing in the hallway.

“Um, you can have the bathroom now.”

“No he can’t,” Sam calls as he sneaks behind Cas and slips into the bathroom.

“Or not,” Cas amends.

Dean laughs and pulls off his Henley and jeans so that he, too, is in his boxers and a t-shirt.

“You good, your room OK?” Dean asks.

“Yes, it’s fine. I was wondering what the plan is for tomorrow.”

“Oh, um, I didn’t really have anything planned for us, honestly. Sammy’s still got school next week, so we’ll probably do whatever he wants to do this weekend. But next week we can pretty much do whatever you want. It doesn’t matter to me.”

Cas nods and says, “OK, good, that takes the pressure off. I’ll sleep all day if you don’t wake me up, so just wake me up whenever you and Sam get up.”

Dean smiles affectionately before bidding Cas good night. He’s going to hate Sam once he find out he’s a morning person.

Cas grumbles and sulks for a solid hour in the morning upon being woken up at 9 by Sam flicking his lights on and off and telling him that Mom made breakfast. He and Dean brush their teeth side-by-side in the bathroom, bumping elbows and both trying to wake themselves up before coffee. Dean can’t help himself when he notices how messy Cas’ hair is, and he ends up ruffling it before he realizes that’s probably strange. Cas barely even reacts, so Dean decides it’s fine.

Dean’s still tired by the time they go downstairs, but he’s in a good mood. He grabs cups of coffee for him and Cas and turns to the kitchen table before he realizes that his dad is home and sitting there reading the paper.

“Dad. Hey,” Dean greets.

“Hey, Dean. Who’s your friend?”

Dean doesn’t miss the hint of judgment in his dad’s tone. He pulls himself up to his full height and says, “This is Castiel Novak, and he’s staying with us all week.”

“Castiel? Nice to meet you, kid.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Mr. Winchester.” 

There’s tension in the air during breakfast because everyone knows John and Mary are still fighting, but everybody’s also pretending like they don’t know. John asks Cas some of the same questions Mary asked last night, but in a much more clipped way more out of necessity than niceness.

When John asks if Cas has a girlfriend, Cas chokes back a laugh around a mouthful of bacon.

“Something funny, Castiel?” John asks suspiciously.

“No, sir, I’m just—not the ‘relationship type,’ as Dean says.”

“Dean says that? Dean, is that why you haven’t brought home a girl yet? Not the _relationship type?”_

Now Dean’s stifling a laugh. “Yeah, Dad. Been like that for a while now. Not a secret.”

John looks like he doesn’t know what to say to that, so the conversation moves on.

After breakfast Sam tells Cas and Dean to hurry up and get ready for the day because he wants to go to a matinee of a new Marvel movie that opened this weekend. He pesters them so much and follows them so closely that Cas ends up throwing a tube of toothpaste at him as he’s coming out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel.

“Dude, did you just throw toothpaste at my brother?” Dean asks from where he’s changing in his room. 

“No. Maybe.”

Dean laughs so hard at that that Sam threatens to steal his car and leave without them if he doesn’t get his shit together in the next five minutes. Dean’s not about to let a disproportionately tall kid who’s had his license for three months get behind the wheel of his baby, so he does indeed get his shit together.

Sam sits between Cas and Dean at the movie, and that, for some reason, bothers the hell out of Dean. He pays more attention to what Cas is doing and how he’s sitting and how he’s reacting than he does to the actual movie, and thankfully Sam is too focused on the screen to notice.

After the movie they go to lunch at a pizza place where they split two pizzas among the three of them. Sam insists on getting the bill because “you guys are guests here,” and he’s excited that he’s got a job now at the Starbucks down the road from their neighborhood.

“I hate Starbucks,” Cas mumbles around a slice of pizza.

“What?” Sam and Dean ask in unison.

“I…don’t like Starbucks? Every time I try to go study, there’s too many people and weird things happen.”

“Oh my _god_ , Cas,” Dean exclaims.

“What?” Sam asks again.

“What the fuck, man. I saw you at Starbucks. Before we met. That’s why you looked so fucking familiar when we met. _You fucking remembered, didn’t you?”_

“I…yes, I remember.”

Dean falls back in his chair and rubs his hands over his face. “This just keeps getting worse and worse.”

“Seriously, what?”

“Shut up, Sammy.”

“Your brother and I had a couple unfortunate encounters before we actually met. Well, seeing him in Starbucks was not unfortunate. But immediately asking me where he knew me from when we met was.”

Sam huffs an affectionate laugh. “You guys sound like you’re in some shitty romcom.”

“Can we get out of here, please?” Dean asks.

Cas and Sam concede, and soon enough they’re shuffling out the door and nearly running right into a pretty girl with dark hair and— 

“Lisa?” Dean blurts out without thinking.

“Dean! I didn’t know you were in town,” Lisa answers sweetly.

Cas and Sam turn back into the restaurant and stand awkwardly out of the way.

“Uh, yeah, I’m on spring break. How have you been?”

“Things have been…good. Busy. You know, working at the Y, taking care of Ben.”

Dean lights up at the mention of Ben. “How’s Ben doing? He walking yet?”

Lisa rolls her eyes. “No, Dean, he’s six months old. He’s an easy baby though.”

“Where is he?” 

“Oh, my mom has him today while I get some errands done.”

“Oh man, well don’t let me keep you. I’ll, um, I’ll give you a call while I’m home? I mean, I’d love to see Ben if that’s cool?”

“Yes, Dean, that sounds great.”

Dean wraps Lisa in a protective embrace and kisses her forehead before turning to leave. 

Sam’s smiling knowingly at Dean, but Cas is clearly very confused. Dean slaps a hand on Cas’ shoulder and starts walking out the door as he explains, “I lost my virginity to Lisa in high school. The kid’s not mine, though. She’s a year ahead of me like you, got pregnant in college, dropped out. I try to see her and Ben when I’m home.”

Cas still looks confused, but he says, “I see.”

The rest of the day passes without incident. Dean notices at some point that Cas has been quieter than usual, but he doesn’t ask about it because he assumes the answer is something along the lines of “you and your brother are exhausting.” He knows he and Sam are difficult to adjust to when they’re together, so he’s not going to blame Cas if he decides halfway through this break that he’s had enough. He hopes that doesn’t happen, though.

Their dad is gone again that night, and their mom tries to stay composed but ends up breaking a dish in the sink after a late and quiet dinner. Sam and Cas sneak upstairs while Dean takes care of her.

When Dean comes up half an hour later, he checks Sam’s room first and leaves when he sees him studying alone. He tries Cas’ room next and finds him lying on his bed reading.

Cas doesn’t look up when Dean opens his door wide and leans against his doorframe. “What are you reading?”

“ _The BFG._ I’ve read it every year since I was 10,” Cas answers with his face still in the book.

Dean walks into the room and sits on the edge of the bed before he says, “You and Sam just immediately part ways at the top of the stairs or what?”

“He said he had to study, so I gave him some space. It’s getting late anyway.”

“It’s barely midnight, Cas.” 

Cas tilts his head and then picks up his phone to check the time. “Oh. Were you—did you have other plans for this evening?” 

Dean laughs and falls back onto the bed so that Cas has to look down at him. “No, I’m just being a dick. You wanna watch a movie or something?”

“We already watched a movie today.”

“You know, Cas, there’s this crazy thing humans are capable of doing, where you repeat similar activities in the same day.”

Dean doesn’t expect the book to his face, but he manages to steal it from Cas after he’s been hit. He holds it out as far away from Cas as possible, and suddenly Cas is reaching over him and they start to struggle until they both fall off the bed with a loud thump.

Luckily they’re on their feet when Sam barges in and asks what the hell’s going on.

“Go back to studying, nerd. Nothing happened,” Dean explains. 

Sam looks at them suspiciously for several seconds before turning and leaving.

Once he’s gone, Dean pushes the book into Cas’ chest. “Keep reading about your big fugly giant or whatever.”

“I think actually I’ll try to go to sleep instead.”

“Again, dude, _midnight_.” 

They stare at each other then for what feels like no time at all but is probably more like a solid thirty seconds. Dean breaks the tension by apologizing for his parents, and then Cas is saying that it’s OK and asking if Dean wants to talk about it, and then the next thing Dean knows they’re curled up on Cas’ borrowed bed talking way into the night.

Dean wakes up the next morning in his boxers and his undershirt from the day before, and before he has time to wonder who the hell took his clothes off last night, he sees Sam in the hall staring at him, looking like he froze right there on his way to the bathroom. 

On instinct, Dean turns his head back and gets a face full of Cas’ bedhead. He’s still sound asleep, and he’s so far over on Dean’s side of the bed that the covers are falling off onto the floor at Dean’s feet.

When Dean turns back around, Sam breaks eye contact and disappears into the bathroom.

“Sammy—Sam!” Dean calls as he stumbles out of bed and wakes Cas up in the process.

“Wha’s—who’s—” Cas mumbles as he sits up in bed and rubs his eyes.

Dean ignores him in favor of pounding on the bathroom door. “Sammy, it’s not—there’s nothing—please just open the door, man. I can explain.”

“It just would’ve been nice to know, Dean,” Sam yells back without opening the door. “I mean, you could’ve _told_ me you were dating him. I’m only locked in here because I’m mad you didn’t tell me.”

“We’re not—we’re not dating, you asshole. Open the damn door.”

The door cracks then and Sam says, “You’re not?” 

“No. We just fell asleep while talking last night. All right?”

Sam swings the door open wider and splashes water onto his face before responding, “All right, but dude. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I mean, I know you’ve never really been in a relationship, but you can—” 

“OK, chick flick moment over. Please. I can’t do this with my baby brother.”

Sam flicks water at Dean and says, “I’m 16, not 4. And I’m taller than you.”

“Whatever gets you to shut up, man.”

Cas appears out of nowhere then and makes Dean jump. “Why are we congregating at the bathroom?” he asks groggily.

“What, like it’s weird?” Dean says with a ruffle to Cas’ hair. 

Sam’s eyebrows raise at that, but he doesn’t say anything so Dean doesn’t blush _too_ hard. 

God, he’s got to rein it in while they’re here. Dean’s not sure what he would do if anybody from back home found out about his completely inappropriate crush on Castiel Novak.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that things go south pretty abruptly at the end of this chapter.

Cas probably shouldn’t have lied to Dean, but he panicked. And it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a big deal even if Sam said something.

When Dean was downstairs talking to his mom, Cas and Sam were upstairs discussing Dean’s past with Lisa.

Cas didn’t mean to bring it up, but he couldn’t help himself. “Did Dean and Lisa go out for very long?”

Sam looked at him with sympathy in his eyes before answering, “I’m not sure. Dean’s never really talked to me about that kind of stuff. In fact, I had no idea he…you know—lost his virginity to her or whatever.”

Cas nodded and stared at the floor for a second.

“You should ask him about it. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind talking to you. I can, um, I can tell he really cares about you, man.”

Cas perked up at that, thanked Sam, and then they had awkwardly parted ways.

Now it’s Sunday, and Cas woke up curled behind Dean with his morning wood a mere inches from Dean’s back. He hears the conversation Sam and Dean have at the bathroom, but he barely processes what it means.

They go to church with Mary that morning, and she clings to Dean’s hand protectively for most of the service. Cas decides that he dislikes John Winchester. 

Sam and Dean lead Cas around Lawrence for the rest of the day, and he learns more about their family history than he’s ever learned about his own. An hour before the sun sets, they drive to an empty field and drink beer while sitting on the Impala. They stare up at the stars for hours, not really saying much to each other. Cas thinks it’s one of the most perfect nights of his life.

When they get home, Cas and Dean share shy smiles as they say good night and part ways in the hall. Cas hears Sam wake up for school in the morning, but then he falls back asleep until Dean shakes him awake around 10. 

They end up moving around each other lazily, watching TV and sitting on their computers in their pajamas until after lunch. That’s when Dean says they should probably actually do something, so they get ready and go into town. Cas makes Dean stop at a bookstore, and they browse and read excerpts of sci-fi novels and social experiment books for a few hours. 

Dinner feels more like a date than anything, because Dean offers to introduce Cas to his favorite restaurant, and he of course insists on paying. The server gives them a knowing smile when Dean asks for one check, but Dean doesn’t seem to think it’s strange. Maybe Cas is reading too much into things.

“Wanna go to a bar? I know a great place I’ve been going to since I was a sophomore in high school,” Dean says as they’re leaving the restaurant.

“You drank when you were a sophomore?”

“Dude, no. I mean, not _publicly_. Jo’s mom owns a bar. Come on, let me take you.”

Ellen ends up being Cas’ favorite person he’s met in Lawrence. She welcomes him and Dean into her bar with open arms, and their first two beers are free. She asks which one of them is driving and promises to cut them off before things get out of control.

“You having a good year, Dean?” she asks.

“Yeah. I feel pretty good about this semester.”

“Straight A’s?”

“Uh, I don’t know about that. I might get a couple A-minuses.” 

“That’s still an A, sweetie.”

“Yeah, says _you._ A-minuses drop my GPA by an entire tenth. It’s not an A if it counts for less than a 4.0.” 

Ellen rolls her eyes and turns to Cas. “You put up with this bullshit?”

Cas chuckles. “I actually, um, agree with Dean.”

“See? Thank you, Cas. I knew I could count on you to back me up.” 

Jo appears next to Dean then and leans onto the bar. “Hey, loser,” she greets with a knock to his shoulder. 

“Hey. Didn’t know you were coming home for break.” 

“You know, there was a point in our lives when we hung out regularly enough for you to know these simple—”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Go back to work.”

Jo takes a swig of Dean’s beer and then says, “Hey, Cas. Dean treating you well?” 

“Yes, I’m having a great time.”

“Have you met Pamela yet?”

“Who?” 

Dean takes a swift look around the bar and says, “Is she really here? Tell her to get her ass over here.”

“All right, all right, I’ll tell her you’re buying,” Jo responds as she backs away from the bar.

Dean turns to Cas and explains, “You’ll love Pamela. She used to babysit me and Sam and Jo when we were kids.” 

“My ears sure are burning.”

Who Cas assumes is Pamela saddles up next to Dean and throws an arm around his shoulder.

“Hey, Pam. This is my friend Cas. Cas, Pamela.”

Pamela takes her hand off Dean’s shoulder and pats Cas on the arm. “Aren’t you a cute one.”

“I, uh—”

“Don’t let her get to you, dude. She’s all talk. Pamela, please don’t freak him out." 

“Oh come on, he can take it. Can’t you, Cas?”

Cas nods uncertainly and chugs the rest of his beer.

“That’s the spirit,” Pamela says with a smile. “All right, time for shots.” 

Pamela calls Ellen back over, and she pours shots for Pamela and Cas.

Cas gets a little drunk—OK, a lot drunk—and asks Pamela to dance. They dance right in the middle of the bar for several songs while Dean and Ellen talk and Jo continues working.

During the second song, Pamela asks, “So what’s going on between you and Dean?”

“I think I’m in love with him, but whatever,” Cas blurts out with a shrug.

“Yeah, I thought that might be the case. He doesn’t know, right?” 

“Not that I know of. Please don’t tell him. Oh god. Yeah, don’t tell him. Please forget I said anything.” Cas stops moving and considers going to the bathroom to vomit.

“Cas, you can trust me. I am full of secrets. You know how many things I know about Sam and Dean that they don’t know about each other? My lips are sealed.”

Cas grabs Pamela’s hips again and continues dancing. “What do you know about Dean? I mean, does he…could he like—me?”

“Honey, Dean likes everybody. It’s up to him to tell you to what extent, though. If you push…” 

“He’ll shut down,” Cas finishes sadly. 

“Wow, most people never catch onto that. You’re on the right track, kid.”

Jo clocks out a few songs later and insists that they all take another round of shots. They sit around talking until eventually Ellen kicks them out. Dean has to shoulder Cas out the door and strap him into the passenger seat.

Everybody’s asleep when they get home, so Dean basically treats Cas like a child to get him up the stairs and in bed without making too much noise. Cas is tired and giggly when he falls into bed, and he barely registers what’s happening when Dean strips him down to his boxers and tucks him in.

“All right, buddy, I need you to drink this, OK?” Dean says as he sits on the edge of the bed and holds out a glass of water. 

Cas is lucid enough to sit up and take the glass, and when he hands it back to Dean, Dean stands to leave.

“Where’re you going?” Cas mumbles.

“I’m going to bed, Cas. Get some sleep.” 

Cas leans over the side of the bed and reaches for Dean’s arm. “Stay,” he pleads.

Dean sighs and sits back down on the bed tentatively. “You’re drunk, buddy. You need to sleep." 

“Yes, yeah, I know. Sleep. Sleep here. With me. Sleep.”

And that’s the last thing Cas remembers. 

He wakes up the next morning to the sound of shouting, which is just doing amazing things for his headache.

He downs the glass of water that Dean must’ve filled up again, and then he falls out of bed and stumbles into the bathroom to vomit.

Several minutes later, the shouting has stopped and there’s a knock on the bathroom door.

“You all right, Cas?” Dean asks on the other side of the door. 

“Fuck off.”

Dean laughs loudly at that before saying, “Sorry, man. There’s hangover food in the kitchen. It’s like, 1 o’clock, so I figured you probably wouldn’t want to do anything today.”

“Yeah, no. Go away, please.” Cas vomits before getting the whole sentence out. He hears Dean laugh all the way down the stairs.

Needless to say, Cas doesn’t do much for the rest of the day, and he stays within manageable reach of the bathroom. Dean leaves to hang out with Lisa for a few hours and asks Cas a hundred times if he’s going to be all right at home with his dad there. 

Cas thinks Dean is being dramatic, but then John stops him when he’s leaving the kitchen and tells him to have a seat.

Luckily Cas’ headache has passed at this point, but he can still feel a gag reflex coming on when John asks, “Are you fucking my son?”

“E-excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“I don’t think—” 

“I’m not angry. My son is just—well, he’s not the brightest. I’m not even sure he’s emotionally capable of figuring out his sexuality or being in a relationship or anything. So if you’re doing anything to—you know, anything that would hurt him or convince him of something—” 

“Dean and I are friends. Platonic friends. I am very grateful for your hospitality, Mr. Winchester, and I know the risks of disrespecting you while I am a guest in your household. That being said, however, I would advise you to get to know your son a little better before passing false judgments upon him. You might find him to be a lot brighter and more emotionally competent than you think, and it may encourage you to look into your own life and see if you’re projecting weaknesses about yourself onto your son.”

Cas stands and leaves the kitchen without even seeing how John responds. He locks himself in his room until Sam comes home an hour later. When Sam knocks on his door, he thinks for certain that he’s there to tell him to pack his bags and head back to school.

Instead, Sam high fives him, and then they play video games until Dean gets home. 

The rest of the break passes in a blur, and by the end of the week Cas is extremely reluctant to leave Sam. Dean has a self-satisfied smirk on his face for the entire ride back to school, and when Cas asks him about it, he just says, “I knew you’d love Sammy.” 

 

* * *

 

Dean recognizes that spring break created a fundamental shift in his and Cas’ friendship, but like with most things, he ignores it.

After the third weekend in a row it happened, Dean decided to stop keeping track of how many times he and Cas have “accidentally” fallen asleep in bed together. They’ve also made a habit out of helping each other out of their clothes and into bed when one of them drinks too much. There’s a weird tingly feeling in Dean’s stomach whenever Cas compliments his cooking. A distant relative of Cas’ passed away in April, and Dean attended the funeral with him. Right before exams, Dean insisted that Cas let him cut his hair because it was just completely out of control. The amount of times Dean has _almost_ kissed Cas is getting a little worrisome.

He’s knocking his leg against Cas’ as they study in the library when it hits him.

He’s in a relationship.

“Dean? You OK?” Cas asks when Dean’s leg stops moving.

“Hmm? Oh, um. Yeah. Yeah, I’m good, Cas. Just, uh, worried about exams I guess.”

Dean manages to use that excuse for the next two weeks as he actively avoids Cas. He knows Cas must know that something’s up, but he’s in no way capable of talking about it with him at the moment. It’s the longest they’ve gone without hanging out, and Dean catches himself checking his phone at random times for text messages that would usually be there.

He calls Benny most days, but he’s no help at all and generally just tells Dean, “You’re never gonna be happy if you avoid these situations, man.”

Charlie and Jo are glad to be spending more time with him again, but they constantly pester him about his relationship choices.

The worst part is that he misses Cas like crazy, but even thinking about talking to him about it makes him nervous.  

This would’ve been so much easier if he had just made it to the summer. Cas is going to be in upstate New York for an internship with a magazine, and Dean’s doing summer school and working at the Roadhouse in Lawrence. Distance would have made it particularly easy for Dean to panic about their relationship in peace.

Instead, there’s still half a week left of school when Cas texts Dean, _Is everything all right?_

Dean stares blankly at his phone for several minutes before even thinking about replying. After going through all the possible lies he could tell, he settles on not responding at all.

It’s the longest 30-minute drive home in his life when summer approaches.


	11. Chapter 11

“He’s fine, Cas. I promise.”

“Why isn’t he speaking to me?”

Jo sighs loudly into the phone before answering, “I shouldn’t tell you this, but it means he likes you.”

“What?” Cas’ ear starts to throb at how hard he has the phone pressed against it.

“Dean doesn’t do relationships.”

“We’re not in a relationship.” 

“ _Really?_ You can say that with full confidence?”

Cas takes too long to answer. “OK, I see your point. What do I do?”

“Nothing. You don’t do anything. He’ll come around.”

“How do you know?” Cas snaps.

“I don’t actually. But I have faith in Dean, and you should, too.”

Cas scrubs a hand down his face and is momentarily distracted by the annoying thought that that’s a mannerism he picked up from Dean. “I’m going to be calling you on a regular basis for the foreseeable future.” 

“That’s fine. It’s about time we became friends anyway.”

Cas and Jo hang up soon after that, and then Cas is left to start packing up his stuff to go home for a couple weeks before he has to fly to New York. 

He’s excited about his internship but not as excited as he _should_ be. He’s furious at Dean for making him feel this way. Well, furious at himself for _letting_ Dean make him feel this way.

He feels like an idiot for not knowing what the hell to do. He’s sick of his heart stuttering whenever his phone buzzes. He’s sick of wondering what Dean’s doing, how he’s feeling, if he’s even thinking about Cas at all. He’s sick of replaying their relationship over and over in his head and trying to pinpoint what went wrong and what he did to turn Dean away. He comes up with nothing.

When his internship starts, he’s not surprised that he doesn’t make any friends during his first week. He arrives on a Saturday to the dorm all the interns are housed in and meets everyone briefly before saying he’s exhausted and needs some rest. He doesn’t leave his room again until work starts on Monday. During orientation, he keeps his eyes glued to his information packet and ignores the girls to his left that are staring and whispering. One of the assistants shows all of the interns in Cas’ department to their cubicles, and Cas breathes a sigh of relief to discover that he doesn’t have to share his workspace with anyone. By Friday at p.m., he’s managed to learn the names of just two other interns and his bosses, and he got more work done than seemingly anyone else in the office.

But then, during his second week, one of the interns he’s been avoiding rolls his chair into Cas’ cubicle and asks him for his name.

“Um, I’m Cas. I mean, Castiel.”

“That’s cool. I’m going to call you Cas. Are you OK, man? Do you just hate this job or...?”

Cas stops typing and leans back in his chair so he’s on the same level with the kid. “I just—I got out of a bad relationship, I guess. I’m not usually this…cold.” 

“Anything you want to talk about? I probably can’t help you much, but I’m a good listener.” 

Cas is just about to spill everything to this complete stranger when one of the assistants walks by and gives them a strange look.

“After work. My dorm number’s 278. Come find me,” the kid says before rolling back into his own cubicle. A second later, he reappears and says, “I’m Kevin by the way.”

Cas is of course reluctant to go to Kevin’s room that night. He doesn’t know what this intern is expecting from him, but his track record with making male friends isn’t too great of an indicator for their future. He doesn’t even have time to panic after knocking on Kevin’s door, though, because it swings open immediately.

“Come on in, man. I was just about to heat up some soup for dinner, but we could go somewhere if you want. I have a car.”

“Um, no thanks. I already ate. And we haven’t been paid yet anyway, so I’m a little short on cash.” _And the last time I went to dinner with a guy it felt like a date, and now I’m terrified to go out to eat with anyone ever again._

“Oh yeah, I _know_. I’m probably going to be living off of ramen and soup all summer. But hey, at least this job looks good on a resume, right?”

Cas nods his agreement and then takes a tentative seat on Kevin’s bed. The rooms are too small for more than a bed, desk and dresser, so his options are somewhat limited. 

After Kevin makes his soup and sits at his desk, he carries the conversation, asking Cas where he’s from, where he goes to school, what he wants to do after college. Cas returns the questions more out of politeness than anything, but then after about an hour he starts to relax and feel really comfortable around this new friend. It’s not until Kevin directs their talk into more serious territory that Cas is even reminded of Dean.

“So, um, maybe I shouldn’t bring this up, but, uh…do you want to talk about what’s upsetting you?”

Cas swallows around a lump in his throat and lets the silence drag before he answers. “It wasn’t even technically a relationship. Just, um, it was just a friend that I was way too close to and fell in love with and apparently that was the wrong thing to do.”

“What do you mean it was the wrong thing to do?”

“I don’t know. He just—he disappeared one day and won’t talk to me. We were getting severely close to relationship territory, and according to his childhood friend he panicked. I’m supposed to just sit around and wait for him to come around,” Cas concludes with a sigh and a rub to his temples.

“Come around? As in he likes you, too?”

“I guess. I mean, I don’t know. There were…there were a couple times I thought he might try to kiss me, but he never did. And we’ve never talked about it—our relationship, that is.” 

Kevin asks questions and offers his sympathies well past Castiel’s bedtime. But it’s the healthiest conversation Cas has had in a long time, and he decides that Kevin isn’t so bad after all.

In fact, Kevin turns out to be a godsend for Cas. He’s nothing like Dean, and he makes Cas feel content and calm. He doesn’t complain when Cas talks too excessively about Dean, and he stays with Cas when he isn’t feeling up for going out with all the other interns. He’s the completely platonic friend that Dean was supposed to be. 

Just to be sure, though, about four weeks into their internship, Cas gets some courage while he and Kevin are sharing a bowl and asks, “Kevin, are you attracted to me?”

“I’m straight, Cas. Don’t worry.”

“OK, good. I’m sorry, I just had to ask because—”

“Yeah, I know. But I’m not the person you should be asking that question.”

Cas rolls his eyes and says, “Thanks a lot.”

“He hasn’t called you?”

“No.”

“Have you—” 

“No.”

Kevin doesn’t bring Dean up again after that.

During week seven, Cas is three drinks in at happy hour at a local bar when he gets a text.

_I miss you, man._

He has to read it four times before he processes anything. Kevin is reading over his shoulder, but he’s staying quiet on the matter.

Cas clicks the screen to black and shoves his phone in his pocket. “I’m too drunk for this.”

“Wow. A good decision being made while drunk, that’s rare.”

“Yeah, well. I’ve waited too long to fuck this up now.” 

Cas gets two more drinks and doesn’t get back to his dorm that night until in the morning. When he wakes up at noon the next day, his first thought is _Dean._

He falls out of his bed and scrambles to get his phone from his desk. He has two other texts from Dean. 

_I fucked up. I fucked up and I’m sorry._

_Cas?_

It’s a Saturday, so Cas has all day to sit around and contemplate what he’s supposed to say back to Dean. Kevin doesn’t pester him about it, but Cas can tell that he wants to. By p.m., he’s decided to lock himself in his room for the rest of the night.

_I miss you, too. I’m angry with you, but I miss you._

Cas has to close his eyes when he hits send. He doesn’t open them again until his phone buzzes two minutes later.

 _You can yell at me if you want. Anything to get you to talk to me again is fine with me._

_An explanation would be nice._

It takes longer for Dean to respond this time.

_I don’t have one. I’m terrible at being friends with people. I freak out and give up when I really start to like them. That’s it._

_What do you mean by really starting to like them?_

_Do we have to have this conversation over text, Cas?_

_Would you rather have it over the phone?_

Cas’ phone starts ringing in response. “Hello, Dean.”

“I like you, all right? I suck at commitment, and I’m terrified of relationships, and things started getting intense between us, and I panicked. Because I like you.”

Cas is momentarily taken aback by Dean’s straightforwardness. He’s never heard him sound so gruff and certain before. “I was fine with what we had, Dean. If you want to just be friends, that’s fine. If you want more, we can talk about it. Ignoring the situation, however, has proven unfruitful for us both.”

There’s a beat before Dean asks, “You, um, you like me, too?” 

“Of course, dumbass. How would you like to proceed?” Cas can already feel the weight lifting from his shoulders, his anger dissipating.

“Can we go back to the way it was before?”

Relief washes over Cas. “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

Dean has a terrible summer. His mom cries too much, his dad moves out for a couple weeks, and Sam can’t stand watching Dean mope around over Cas.

He drowns himself in his work and generally avoids everyone. One night at the Roadhouse Ellen corners him after he clocks out and asks him what the hell’s going on.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” Dean mumbles in response as he heads for the back door.

Ellen stops him with a hand to his chest. “We’re going to sit down and have a beer and you’re going to tell me why your heart’s broken.”

“How do you—did Jo tell you?”

“No, that was just a lucky guess.”

Ellen pushes Dean back over to the bar and tells him to sit. She pours two beers from the tap before asking, “It’s that boy you brought home a while back, right? Cas?”

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and answers, “Yeah.”

“You fucked up, didn’t you?”

Dean eyes Ellen suspiciously, wondering how the hell she can be this intuitive. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“Can you fix it?”

“I…I could try. We weren’t even—it’s not like we were dating or anything.”

“Honey, I’ve never seen you in a relationship. I don’t think anybody has. But what you had with Cas, whatever it was, was the closest I’ve seen you to being head over heels in love.”

Warmth rushes through Dean at the idea that other people could see how much he likes Cas. “What about—did you think he liked me, too?”

“Everybody likes you, Dean. But yes, even if that weren’t the case, Cas definitely likes you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain could tell that. Now tell me what you’re going to do to fix it.” 

The rest of the conversation is painful but necessary for Dean, and by the end of it he’s feeling a bit more hopeful about restoring his friendship with Cas.

But then, of course he procrastinates actually doing anything about it for an entire week. Every time he picks up his phone his hand starts to shake and he chickens out.

It isn’t until he’s doing research for an essay he has due in a couple days that he comes across a quote from Roald Dahl and suddenly freezes.

_The BFG. I’ve read it every year since I was 10._

Without thinking, Dean picks up his phone and texts Cas for the first time in nearly three months. His summer starts to really turn around after their conversation. 

They still have four weeks left before they’ll both be back at school and can see each other, but for now Dean’s just happy to be texting his best friend on a daily basis again.

There’s no more pressure anymore either now that he’s finally told Cas how he feels. They can just be friends and that’s that. Cas seems fine with it, and Dean is, too. The topic doesn’t come up again.

Dean moves back into his apartment exactly a week before school starts. Sam stays with him for a couple days, but once he goes home the only friend Dean has in town is Charlie.

They’re hanging out at Charlie’s one afternoon when she asks, “Do you want to go to a pride parade with me this weekend?” 

“A what?” 

“Oh please, don’t act like you’ve never heard of a pride parade before. C’mon, it’s not like you’re doing anything else this weekend.” 

Dean rolls his eyes and asks, “Where is it?” 

“Topeka. I’ll even let you drive.”

“What do I have to do for it?” 

“Um, have a good time? Meet some guys who might be interested in you? Maybe some girls, too. It’s a parade, Dean, it’s not that difficult.”

“Fine. I’ll go. But I can’t promise that I’ll have a good time.”

The pride parade isn’t exactly the _worst_ thing Charlie’s ever dragged Dean to. They weave in and out of people and get caught up in the celebration, and Dean’s embarrassed to say that he smiled like an idiot at a group of dancers that pass him. He tries not to stare too long at the men and women that are scantily clothed and covered in paint or make-up or extravagant accessories. Charlie introduces him to a 6-foot-5 drag queen (before the 5-inch heels) with beautiful dark skin and lean, toned muscle under her skin-tight galaxy-patterned dress. Dean is absolutely mesmerized and ends up talking to her with stars in his eyes for a solid 15 minutes until Charlie literally has to drag him away. 

There’s plenty of food vendors, and Dean makes a point to try something at pretty much all of them. Charlie runs into at least a hundred people she knows, and she introduces Dean as “a member of the queer community who knows absolutely nobody in the queer community.” Within a couple hours, Dean feels like he’s suffocating in glitter, and somehow Charlie has convinced him to get face paint of a rainbow.

At one point the crowd gets a little too crazy, and Charlie and Dean get separated. Dean’s trying to work his way through a group of people who are marching together when he bumps into someone and turns to apologize.

He’s midway through the word “sorry” when he realizes that it’s Cas standing in front of him.

Cas, who is shirtless, and his whole upper body is painted black, gray, white and purple.


	12. Chapter 12

“He—hey. Um, hey, C-Cas.”

“Dean. I did not expect…to see you…here.” 

“Charlie—Yeah, Charlie made me come with her. I, uh, didn’t know you were…back.” Dean scratches the back of his neck and tries to maintain eye contact with Cas.

Cas is suddenly very aware of his body paint. “Um, well, technically I’m back right now. I’m moving into my new apartment immediately after I leave here.” 

“Oh. Do you, uh, need help or anything?”

Cas’ brain momentarily drifts into unwanted territory, visions of pulling Dean into his apartment and slamming him into a wall for their first kiss, paint everywhere and reeling back to look at a purple-lipped, flustered Dean.

“Cas?”

“Hmm? Oh, um, no, I think I’ll be good. I mean, unless you want to. You are of course welcome to help me. I just—you know.”

“O-OK, yeah, just call me or whatever if you want me to come by.” Dean smiles and then reaches his hand out as if he’s going to pat Castiel’s shoulder, but then he lets it drop as he looks distastefully at the paint. “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later, Cas.”

“You too, Dean.”

They look at each other awkwardly before Dean turns quickly and disappears back into the crowd.

“Who was _that?”_ one of Cas’ friends from AVEN asks as they continue walking. 

“He’s, um, a friend. Probably my best friend actually.”

“He’s super cute. You like him?” 

“Yes. I also just inadvertently outed myself to him, so we’ll see how _that_ goes.” Cas is suddenly regretting the body paint and the decision to join his few friends at AVEN in their march.

“Well at least it happened at a pride parade where you kind of both outed yourself to each other.”

“We’ve already discussed liking each other. I assume he’s bisexual, seeing as he lost his virginity to a girl and talked about it as if he could still be attracted to her. He probably assumed that I’m gay I suppose. I can’t imagine he’d think I’m ace after I admitted liking him. That’s not the usual conclusion.”

Amelia rolls her eyes. “God, you’re overthinking this. Just talk to him about it.”

“I’m going to. Maybe even today. We’ll see.”

“This is why I don’t do relationships.” 

Cas chuckles. “Dean has a brother I could introduce you to. He’s only two years younger than you.”

“If he looks anything like Dean I’ll consider—no, you’re a dick. I’ll pass.”

“Your loss.”

Cas makes it to his empty apartment that night with a car full of luggage and no motivation to move any of it. He’s got a U-Haul coming in the morning with all of his furniture, and it’s only at this point that he realizes that means he doesn’t have a bed to sleep in tonight.

Even worse, his water isn’t on.

Cas stands in his empty one-bedroom apartment with paint dripping from his chest and decides that he’s not really ready for adulthood yet. Maybe he should’ve just continued living with Crowley.

After bringing in all of his stuff and throwing it into his room, Cas calls Dean.

“Hey man, you get moved in yet?” 

“Um. About that. Can I stay with you tonight?” 

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I forgot that the rest of my stuff isn’t getting here until tomorrow. I also don’t have water and I’m kind of covered in paint.”

Dean huffs a laugh. “You’re kind of an idiot. Come on over.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. I’ll see you soon.”

Cas isn’t necessarily nervous about going to Dean’s as he is embarrassed. When he knocks on the door, he can’t help but wonder what Dean is thinking of him right now. He’s greeted with a flash of a camera.

“Sorry. I couldn’t help it. You look so cu—ridiculous.”

All embarrassment gone, a smile pulls at Cas’ lips and he doesn’t hold it back. “You were about to call me cute.”

Dean clears his throat and shuts the door behind Cas. “We can pretend like that didn’t happen.” 

Cas keeps smiling as he reaches a hand up to run it through Dean’s hair. “I missed you.”

Dean looks sheepishly at Cas before his eyes flicker briefly to his mouth. “You’re getting paint in my hair.” 

Cas drops his hand and rolls his eyes. “I’m going to take a shower now. Sorry for being _cute._ ”

Dean grabs Cas’ wrist as he’s walking away. “We’re still on the same page, right?”

“Things back to the way they were before?”

“Yeah. That’s…that’s what you want, right?”

Cas sighs and scratches at the paint on his cheek. “Dean, would you like to discuss the asexual elephant in the room?” 

“I, um…”

“I can’t give you more—much more than what we already have. I’m content with where we are.”

Dean’s eyes go wide as he stares at Cas. “OK, yeah. Yeah, I get it. I am, too. Content, I mean. Um…yeah.” 

There’s a lengthy pause before Cas says, “I’m going to shower now.”

It takes an extraordinarily long time for Cas to clean off all the paint and make sure it goes down the drain and doesn’t stain Dean’s bathroom. He tells Dean he’ll pay him back for his water bill if he wants. 

Dean’s already set up the couch for Cas to sleep on, but he seems apprehensive about it.

“I wasn’t sure if—I mean, it’s late so I figured you’d want to go straight to bed. But we could—” 

“It’s fine, Dean. I would like very much to go to sleep now.”

It’s an awkward shuffle as they both get ready for bed in silence, and Cas’ mind is buzzing when he finally settles down for the night.

Dean keeps his door open, which means that Cas can hear every movement he makes and vice versa. Cas suddenly becomes hyperaware of how he’s positioned, and nothing seems to be comfortable. He tosses and turns and tries to make as little noise as possible until he hears Dean tossing and turning just as much.

This goes on for nearly an hour before Dean’s sleepy voice filters into the living room, “Will you just come in here already?” 

It takes Cas a couple minutes, but he eventually makes it to the doorframe of Dean’s room and asks, “What?” 

“Get your ass over here.”

Cas hesitantly moves over to the bed and crawls under the covers behind Dean. Dean’s back is to him, but Cas makes sure to leave plenty of space between them anyway.

They don’t say anything else to each other, but after a minute or so Dean reaches back and pulls Cas’ arm over his waist, forcing Cas to scoot closer against his back.

“Too much?” Dean mumbles. 

“No,” Cas whispers back with a squeeze to Dean’s stomach.

 

* * *

 

Dean wakes up before his alarm in the morning (set way too fucking early so that Cas doesn’t miss his U-Haul) feeling like he’s been sleeping under a stack of blankets all night. He can feel sweat around the collar of his shirt and the middle of his back, and there’s a warm, sleeping Cas pressing into almost every inch of him.

He tries to squirm out of Cas’ grip, but Cas just curls around him tighter and _growls._

“Cas.”

No response.

“Cas. Cas, wake the fuck up, dude.”

Dean keeps shoving and shouting until finally Cas jolts awake and looks ready to kill a man. “ _What_ , Dean?” 

“You growled at me.” 

“Excuse me?”

“I tried to get up because you were suffocating me, and you growled.” 

Cas flips onto his stomach and closes his eyes. “I’m possessive. It happens.”

Dean stares at him blankly before leaving to go take a shower. Cas’ sudden openness is a tad bit unnerving for Dean, and he can feel himself getting ready to close off again.

In all of his horrible fantasies about how things would go between him and Cas, it never happened like this. Cas has thrown a wrench into their relationship, and Dean is not sure what to do with it.

They spend the whole day moving Cas into his apartment, and then Dean sleeps over at Cas’ insistence.

They wake up even more tangled together than the day before.

_God damn it, Cas._

The next few days are a blur after that. Class starts, and Dean and Cas are both taking 18 hours and have very little time to talk or hang out during the first week. 

Jo calls Dean on Thursday demanding to know why she had to find out from Charlie about the incident at the pride parade. He tells her everything, and then she yells at him for a while about his choices.

Cas invites him over on Saturday night, and they eat pizza and watch a movie together. Cas doesn’t even ask if Dean wants to spend the night, and Dean’s not even subtle about the fact that he came prepared with an overnight bag.

After they’ve settled into Cas’ bed, they end up talking for a while.

Somehow they get on the topic of relationships, and Dean hears the name Meg Masters for the first time.

“There was this girl in high school, Meg, and we really liked each other for, well, three years at least. She was very…straightforward, and I was actually ridiculed quite often for not ‘stepping up’ and asking her out already. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just that she didn’t know. Nobody knew. I tried to tell her, and it…didn’t go well.”

Dean tucks his hands under his cheek and asks, “What happened?” 

“She got a hotel for us the night of our senior prom. I didn’t know—she wanted to surprise me or something. I ended up shouting at her that I’m asexual as she was taking my pants off.”

“Oh my god.” 

“Yeah, um, it was not pleasant. She went stock still and then turned to leave. I tried to follow her out but she punched me in the face in the hallway. There were some other kids from our class there, too, and they came out of their rooms to find me, on the floor with a bloody nose, my fly open.”

Dean can’t help but laugh at the picture, and Cas gives him a powerfully angry glare in response. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know it’s terrible, but the image is hilarious. And that was what, three, three and a half years ago?”

“Yes. And it’s taken me three years to like anybody else. You’re welcome.”

Dean’s not sure what to say to that, so he just stares at Cas with his mouth hanging open. 

“I understand that me showing you affection is new for you, but you’re going to have to get over it eventually, Dean.”

Dean rolls his eyes and flips over onto his back so he’s not facing Cas anymore. “Whatever, nerd. I’m going to sleep.”

Cas laughs and flips to his other side so his back is to Dean.

After a few moments of silence, Dean asks tentatively, “Are you…do you not want to—you know,” he clears his throat loudly, “with me tonight?” 

“Dean, are you asking me to _cuddle_ with you?”

“No! Maybe.” Dean shifts and feels heat creeping up his neck.

Cas doesn’t move, and Dean thinks for a second that he’s fallen asleep.

But then in one swift motion he flips and scoots and throws his arm over Dean’s chest and nuzzles his face into his t-shirt.

Dean laughs and drops his arm around Cas’ back, spreading his hand right above Cas’ ass so he can give him a back rub while he falls asleep.

“Mmm,” Cas hums as he arches his body into Dean’s side. “Strong hands,” he mutters.

The heat has now reached Dean’s face, and he hopes Castiel doesn’t notice how hard his heart is beating. “Night, Cas.”

“M’night.”

Dean wakes up in the morning in a cold sweat. Cas is sprawled out on the other side of the bed, so it’s easy for Dean to slip out and sneak home. He calls Jo in the car.

“I’m freaking out again.”

“You’re _what_?”

“I can’t—I’m not—I got to stop spending so much time with Cas. It’s suffocating me.”

“It is too early for your bullshit. Go home, calm down, then call me for lunch later.”

“But I—fine. Fine, I’ll call you later.”

By the end of the day, Dean doesn’t feel any better. Despite protests from everyone he knows, he makes the same mistake he did before the summer and tells Cas that he’s really busy. Although it’s true, he’s still using it as an excuse to have some space.

He goes home the following weekend to avoid hanging out with Cas, but on his way back Cas calls him and asks if everything’s all right. The uncertainty in Cas’ voice goes straight to Dean’s heart.

“Yeah, um, listen, Cas. I think I, uh, I need some space.” 

“What?” 

Dean can tell Cas is getting mad, but he doesn’t know what else to say. “It’s not—We’ve just been getting really…close, and I’m not—”

“We’ve been back at school for two weeks, Dean.”

“Yeah, and I’m already feeling weird about us. I’m sorry, man, I just—please.” He’s begging. Dean Winchester is begging.

The line goes silent, and then Cas sighs. “Fine. Call me when you get over yourself.”

Cas hangs up before Dean can say anything else.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for Dean/Benny.

Cas decides on a whim to fly out to Michigan over fall break to visit Kevin and his family. It’s not like he’s got anything else to do, and Kevin’s one of his closest friends.

That, and he’s starting to get really sick of the pity he gets from Anna and the pestering he gets from Jo almost constantly these days. He needs to get away from Kansas and everything that reminds him of Dean.

It’s been almost two months, and he still gets that spark of hope whenever his phone buzzes. But the more time that passes, the more Cas is starting to believe that maybe this is permanent. Maybe Dean will never want to be friends with him again.

It would’ve been easier if Dean had just punched him in the face.

At least he hasn’t had any embarrassing run-ins with him on campus. He thinks about the time at Starbucks when Dean smiled at him with a cookie hanging out of his mouth, and the time not long after at Ben & Jerry’s when Dean had ice cream dripping down his face and hand. And of course the time at the pride parade when Dean unsurprisingly was eating something then, too, but Cas can’t remember what.

It’s really a miracle that they haven’t crossed paths. Cas isn’t sure how he would react, but he knows it wouldn’t be pretty. He’s still pissed at Dean and at himself, but more than that he’s just tired. Tired of loving Dean, tired of playing back their relationship on repeat in his head, tired of feeling broken. 

That last one really is the kicker. When Cas hit puberty, he knew almost immediately that he didn’t _like_ sex. The idea of it made him a little queasy, but he thought that was just because he didn’t have a whole lot of exposure to it. After a while, though, he started to think it might be something more serious. For most of high school he thought something was severely wrong with him, and he even asked doctors about it. He can count on one hand the amount of times he’s masturbated, and to this day he prefers waking up with his sheets and boxers covered in come than actually dealing with the situation. “Broken” was the only word he knew to use until he heard about AVEN in passing during the summer before his senior year of high school.

Suddenly it made sense how he could have such a huge crush on Meg and yet no desire to have sex with her. Not only did he just hate sex in general, he was also asexual. Figuring that out changed everything.

That being said, this is the first time he’s felt uncomfortable in his own skin in nearly four years. 

Almost the first thing he does as soon as he gets to Kevin’s is come out.

“You’re what?” is Kevin’s response.

“I’m asexual. It means I’m not sexually attracted to people. My sex drive is very low, and what little of it I _do_ have, I tend to ignore.”

“Why are you telling me this, Cas?” 

“Because that’s what fucked up my relationship with Dean.”

Kevin sits and crosses his arms. “This weekend’s going to be rough for both of us, isn’t it?”

“Most likely, yes.”

Kevin sighs. “Great. Go ahead and spill.”

The weekend’s actually not so bad after Cas and Kevin talk for several hours. Just as Cas remembers from the summer, Kevin is able to calm him down in inexplicable ways. And his mom isn’t so bad, either. She and Kevin show Cas all around their town, and they even take him all the way to Mackinac Island. It’s vastly different than spring break with the Winchesters, but different is good.

Different is easy.

He might still feel broken when he goes back to school, but at least he’s not feeling sorry for himself. 

 

* * *

 

Dean’s seven and a half hours into a Lord of the Rings marathon when his phone rings. 

“Hey, Benny.”

“You busy, brother?”

“Uh, I mean, I’d like to see Sam carry Frodo up Mount Doom, but other than that no, I’m not busy. Why?” 

“Well I hate to spring this on you, but I’m in town. I’d love to see you.”

Dean sits up on his couch. “ _What?_ ”

“Yeah, man, I’m visiting family for the week. I meant to tell you sooner, but I got sidetracked. So…?”

“Um. Yeah. Yeah, I’d like to see you, Benny. Can you swing by my apartment or should I meet you somewhere?”

“I’ll come by in the next hour or so. Finish your movie. I’ll see you soon, Dean.”

Dean’s suddenly too excited to care about Sam and Frodo anymore. He starts obsessively cleaning his already clean apartment, and then he takes a cold shower and spends 15 minutes messing with his hair and trying to find decent clothes.

He hasn’t seen Benny in more than a year, and he’s been missing him like crazy—especially with how often they’ve been talking lately. It’s almost felt like old times.

Dean doesn’t even think when there’s a knock on the door. He throws it open and pulls Benny into the tightest hug he can manage amidst Benny’s laughter.

“I missed you, too, Dean.”

“I didn’t finish Return of the King, you want to finish it with me?” 

“Sure, man, whatever you want.”

They make their way over to the living room as Dean asks, “How long can you stay?”

“Long as you want me here.”

That flips a switch in Dean, and suddenly he’s standing in the middle of his apartment staring at Benny like an idiot.

“Uh, Dean? You all right, brother?”

“Hmm? Oh, um, nothing. Let’s watch the movie.”

They start on opposite ends of the couch, but by the time the eagles show up Dean has inched his way over to where Benny is angled in the corner with one arm on the armrest and the other on the back of the couch. They’re not touching quite yet, but Benny could easily drop his arm around Dean’s shoulder if he wanted.

Benny’s not stupid, though. He’s not going to do anything or make any moves. Not after last time.

Dean _is_ stupid, though, which is why by the time Aragorn is crowned king he’s tucked against Benny’s side with his knees pulled up to his chest and his head resting on Benny’s collarbone. 

Dean doesn’t want to move when the credits start to roll. Benny seems to be in the same boat as he grabs the remote and shuts the TV off. That puts them in almost complete darkness and silence.

“Want to watch something else?” Benny asks after a couple minutes.

Dean turns and wraps his arm around Benny’s stomach. “No,” he mumbles against Benny’s chest.

“Dean, you’re sending me mixed signals here.” 

On instinct Dean pulls Benny’s face down and gives him a chaste kiss. “That clear enough for you?”

“You—I can…?”

“Yeah.”

Dean makes a strangled noise as he’s effortlessly lifted from the couch in one swift motion. He wraps his arms and legs around Benny as they start peppering each other’s faces in kisses. 

“You all right?” Benny asks softly once he’s lain Dean down on his bed.

Dean nods before pulling Benny down by the neck and hooking his legs around his midsection to get better leverage for another desperate kiss.

“What changed your mind?” Benny asks way too casually as he pulls Dean’s shirts off.

“Who said my mind’s changed? I’m going to suck your dick and go to sleep, and then we’re going to act like nothing happened tomorrow.” 

Benny pulls back for a second and stares at Dean.

“I’m just being honest here. Walk out if you want.” 

Benny looks like he’s considering it for a moment, but then he leans down and finds Dean’s mouth again. 

Dean follows through on his promise, and afterward he lies awake staring at the wall with Benny at his back breathing loudly in his ear. It’s nothing like sleeping with Cas, and Dean hates every second of it.

In the morning he lets Benny shower with him, and he even throws in a quick hand job that Benny is more than appreciative of. When they kiss goodbye, Dean only feels a little bit guilty.

It’s not like he’s cheating on Cas. Hell, he hasn’t talked to Cas in three months. He really shouldn’t even be thinking of him at all in his relationship choices.

Like that stops him. 

He’s miserable without Cas, which is apparently what he prefers in life because he can’t find it in him to pick up the damn phone and fix the situation. He’d rather have a one-night stand with Benny and hate himself than actually deal with his problems. 

The worst part is probably that he actually really does love Benny, too. He could be happy with Benny. Instead, he uses him not only physically but emotionally. He pours all of his crap on Benny over the phone at least once a week, and he wishes he understood why Benny puts up with it at all. Dean doesn't deserve how much the guy loves him, and yet he's consistently using it to his advantage. It was easier when they weren't speaking to each other. Less painful. 

Dean finds it disturbingly humorous that he became friends with Cas to replace Benny, and now he's using Benny to replace Cas. What a joke his life is.

He's considering getting high for the first time since the end of the summer when Jo shows up at his apartment unannounced and lays into him.

“You saw Benny, didn’t you?” she asks as soon as he opens the door.

“Uh, yeah, he’s in town. He stayed over last night.”

“And?”

“And what?”

Jo pours herself a glass of water and leans against Dean’s counter in his kitchen. “Did anything _happen?_ ”

Dean takes a seat on his bar stool. “Yeah. I gave him a couple quickies and let him kiss me, all right? What do you want me to do about it?”

“ _God,_ Dean, you are such an idiot. What are you going to do now?”

“What do you mean what am I going to do? I told Benny it was just a one-time thing before we even did anything. It’s not like I’m breaking his heart or something.”

“That’s not what I mean, asshole. I’m talking about _Cas._ You know, Cas Novak, the guy you’re in love with.”

“Jo, I haven’t talked to Cas in—”

“Three months, I know. Charlie and I are keeping track so that we know when to intervene.” 

“As if you haven’t been intervening already?” 

Jo sets her glass down and crosses her ams. “You’re infuriating—you know that, right?” 

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, I know.”

"Don't do this shit to Benny, Dean. It's not right, and you know it."

"I  _know_ _,_ Jo."

There's a long pause before Jo says, "We're going talk about this until we've sorted your issues out, all right?"

"Fine."

By the time they're done, Jo has promised Dean that she and Charlie won't be speaking to him until he not only talks to Cas, but also asks him out on a date.

 

* * *

 

Sometime in mid-November, Cas is sprawled out on the floor of his apartment with books all around him and his laptop open in front of him when he starts to cry.

He really doesn’t have time for this. He’s got literally hundreds of pages to read and an essay to knock out over the weekend, so now is not the time for him to be thinking about the night he and Dean drove to the Winchesters’ house a month after spring break and grabbed Sam right out of bed and went and built a bonfire in the middle of nowhere to get high and make s’mores.

The time he made Dean laugh so hard that he fell out of his chair and they almost got kicked out of the library.

Or the morning he woke up alone in Dean’s bed to the smell of pancakes and bacon in the kitchen, and Dean insisted upon making more while Cas was in the middle of eating because “I always forget that you’re a fucking vacuum.”

The night Dean got so drunk that Cas carried him on his back all the way to his apartment at 3 in the morning and took care of him until he was safely asleep.

The all-nighter Cas pulled in the library before exams last year when Dean showed up at 5 a.m. with a cappuccino and a bagel and said, “I thought you might still be here.” Dean stayed until Cas was finished so that he could edit his essay for him.

Or the time Dean’s air conditioning was messed up and they used it as an excuse to sleep together for three days straight, curled so tightly against each other and tangled so absolutely that Cas kept waking up in the same position he fell asleep in.

The gorgeous day they brought blankets to the main campus quad and lay down next to each other and read books in the sun.

All the times Dean almost kissed Cas, and Cas would've let him.

Cas is leaned up against his couch now with his knees pulled to his chest, quiet tears streaming down his face. On a whim he texts Anna.

_I’m crying about Dean._

_I’m coming over._

The door’s unlocked, so when she shows up 20 minutes later with a gallon of ice cream, she gets two spoons and settles on the floor next to Cas without saying anything.

For once Cas isn’t very hungry, but he eats the ice cream anyway because it gives him something to do besides cry.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Anna asks once Cas has stopped eating.

“I just miss him a lot.”

“Worse today than usual?”

“Yeah.” Cas rests his head on Anna’s shoulder, and she wraps her arm around him.

“You’ll get through this, Cas. I know it’s hard, and it sucks, but you’re…really great and can handle anything. Dean means a lot to you, so it’s normal that you’re feeling this way.”

“Will I ever have what I had with him again?” Cas hates how small and childish he sounds.

“You mean with somebody else or with Dean specifically?”

“Either.”

“Honestly? No, I don’t think so. I think you’ll have something different with Dean entirely. Eventually. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even this year, but one day.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

Anna holds Cas for a while as he cries some more, and then she puts a movie on to take his mind off everything. They move to the couch, and before the movie’s even halfway over Cas has fallen asleep with his head in Anna’s lap.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things got flipped around in the editing process, so my apologies for breaking the Cas/Dean alternating POV and having two Cas parts in a row.

This is Cas’ fourth year of college, and he’s still unaccustomed to how abruptly the semester ends after Thanksgiving. It’s like exams start almost immediately, and then it’s Christmas before he knows it. This semester’s been a bitch not only in Cas’ personal life but also academically, so it’s vital for him to stay on top of things these last couple weeks. And not cry over Dean while he’s trying to get work done.

He’s in the library writing an essay one afternoon after class when a girl walks up to him and asks if he’s Cas.

“Um, yes,” he answers as he takes his hands away from his keyboard and looks up at the girl’s kind face.

“I have a note for you from one of my co-workers. Here you go,” she says as she holds out a folded piece of computer paper.

Cas takes it, says thanks, and then the girl turns and leaves. It’s only as he’s unfolding the piece of paper that he remembers that Dean works at this library.

Sure enough, Cas recognizes the handwriting immediately as Dean’s.

_I saw you come in, but you didn’t see me. You probably forgot I work here. Anyway, I’m getting over my shit now. I can explain everything to you if you want me to. You know, and apologize for everything. This probably sounds too casual. This is definitely a bad idea and I shouldn’t give it to you. Fuck it, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I haven’t had a good night of sleep in like three months. Please, Cas._

Dean didn’t even bother signing the note.

Without hesitating, Cas pulls out a sheet of notebook paper and writes a note back. Once he’s done, he goes to the reception desk where the girl who gave him Dean’s note is working. He hands her the paper and asks if she’ll give it to Dean. He’s not even bothered by the knowing smile she gives him.

 

* * *

 

_When you clock out, come to the second floor and make an immediate right and walk until you see me._

Dean reads the note three times before he processes it. This is completely unexpected. He thought this was going to be like when he messaged Cas on that stupid dating website and never got a response.

He of course asks his boss if he can clock out early, and she complies. He makes a quick run to the student union and luckily there’s not a line at Cas’ favorite on-campus restaurant. He orders coffee for himself and two everything bagel clubs with extra meat and a diet coke for Cas.

He spots Cas as soon as he turns right on the second floor. His back is to Dean, but there’s no mistaking the messy hair and the hunched-over posture Cas reserves for studying.

Dean walks around to the other side of the table and sets the food and drinks down and asks, “This seat taken?”

Cas looks up from his book with wide eyes, and Dean wonders how the hell he ever thought Cas wasn’t aesthetically pleasing. 

Before he responds, Cas looks down at the bag of food and snatches it open to look inside. “You got my usual?”

“It’s still your usual, right?” Dean can feel blush creeping to his cheeks, and he’s starting to regret the cheesy gesture.

“Yeah. I’m starving. Thank you, Dean,” Cas says as he rips open the paper covering the first sandwich and starts eating.    

Dean can’t believe how casual Cas is being. He expected anger or bitterness or _something_. Instead, he’s just eating. And Dean can’t stop staring. He suddenly wants to kiss him more than he’s ever wanted to kiss anybody in his life.

“I’m sorry, Cas.”

Cas looks up from his food and stares right back at Dean while continuing to chew.

“I, um, I don’t really _do_ relationships. I can’t, uh—shit, what am I trying to say.”

“You said you’d explain, so explain.” 

“I know, I know. Um. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I—I’m miserable without you, man. But I—I don’t know how to deal with my feelings and shit, and I don’t know how to…be friends with people I like. But I mean, I don’t _just_ like you. I sort of, I guess…I need you, Cas. I need you.”

 

* * *

 

Cas had it all planned out. He was going to be cold and indifferent, and he was going to be so passive that Dean would be forced to sit there and talk until he had spilled everything.

But then Dean had shown up with food, and not just food but Cas’ favorite food on campus, and his resolve broke. He wanted to tell Dean right then and there that all was forgiven, but he couldn’t. Not yet. He’d hate himself if he did.

So he tried his best to seem flippant, which is as close as he could get to indifferent. 

That is until Dean said that he needed him.

Cas nearly chokes on his food, but he regains his composure in time to clear his throat and swallow normally. Dean tries to help him, but Cas brushes him off.

“If you need me, why do you keep leaving me, Dean?”

“I’m not—I can’t promise that I won’t…run or leave or whatever. I just…I’m really weird about commitment, OK?” 

Cas doesn’t know what to do with this. Dean is admitting that he is unreliable, despite the fact that with everybody who’s not Cas, Dean is more loyal than anybody Cas has ever met. Castiel is apparently the exception, and that is not a comforting realization.

“Friendship is not that difficult, Dean. You seem to have no problem with it with anybody but me. What am I supposed to do? Do you want me to smother you and chase you and not let you leave so that you have to stay with me?”

“No! I mean…I think I’m just scared because I like you so much. God, this is so childish. Will you just—will you let me take you out on a real date?”

That was…unexpected. “A what?”

“A date. Let me take you to dinner.”

“I’m not sure I’m understanding. You can’t handle being friends with me because you have commitment issues, so instead you want to pursue a relationship with me?”

Dean chews on his cheek and stares up at the ceiling before answering. “Yeah, that’s what it sounds like, doesn’t it?”

Cas should say no. He wants to. He wants to throw this second bagel in Dean’s face and leave and never turn back. He wants this to be the last time he lets Dean Winchester break his heart.

“Sure, I’ll go out with you.”

 

* * *

 

Dean forgets how to speak for a second. He and Cas stare at each other for so long that a person passes their table and pauses to try and figure out what’s going on before shrugging and continuing on.

Finally, Dean clears his throat and says, “Good. Um, yeah. How’s the last day of class sound? I can come pick you up at 7?”

“That sounds fine. But Dean—nothing’s going to happen on this date.”

Dean huffs a laugh. “Dude, you think I don’t know that?”

“No, I mean, there’s not going to be any ‘let’s go back to my place’ afterward, no unnecessary flirting, no sleeping in the same bed together. None of that. We are going to treat this like it is a first date despite the fact that we were basically already dating last semester.” 

Dean can feel his face start to flush as he realizes how much he likes it when Cas takes charge like this. “We can do that, yeah. Anything you want, Cas.”

Cas tears open his second sandwich and takes a bite. “I’m going to be straight with you, Dean. You are not in the clear. You are going to have to win me back, and it’s going to take more than just a couple bagel sandwiches.”

“Yeah. OK, yeah, I understand.” 

Cas eats for a second before saying, “The sandwiches are a good start though.”


	15. Chapter 15

No matter what he does, Cas’ hair stays perpetually messy. It’s curly in some places and straight in others and it goes in every direction and the only time it looks good is when Dean cuts it for him. Unfortunately Dean hasn’t cut it for him in several months.

He luckily started getting ready for his _first date with Dean_ an hour earlier than necessary, so he’s got all the time in the world to stand in front of the mirror and hopelessly pluck at his hair.

Dean said that this was a real fucking date, so Cas is wearing gray slacks that show off his thighs and a light green button-down with the sleeves rolled up. He even shaved his face for this.

Dean shows up two minutes early wearing almost the exact same outfit.

“I’m going to change my shirt,” is the first thing that comes out of Cas’ mouth before he starts unbuttoning his shirt right there in the doorway.

He’s back in his room rummaging through his closet when he hears Dean shout, “You looked good though,” through his laughter.

“No flirting,” Cas calls back. 

“Sorry, I know! I promise I’ll behave.”

Cas smiles to himself before putting his serious face back on and leaving his room. “Where are we going?” 

Dean doesn’t answer, and when Cas looks up at him it looks as if he’s forgotten how to speak.

“Uh, Dean?” 

Dean snaps out of it and scratches the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah, um, sorry, what?” 

“Is everything all right?”

“I just wasn’t expecting—you just look really good in pink—peach, whatever it is. Brings out your eyes.” 

Cas instinctively looks down at his new shirt. “I thought you said you were going to behave.” 

“Yeah, well, you’re playing dirty.”

“Where are we going?” Cas asks again as Dean opens the door for him.

“Ruth’s Chris. Reservation’s for 8.” 

“Um. You’re kidding?” 

“What?”

“What are we going to eat? Side salads and water?”

Dean rolls his eyes. “I’ve been saving up some money. Order the biggest fucking steak on the menu, Cas, it’s on me.”

Cas can’t help but grin stupidly at Dean in response. “You really are trying to win me back with food.”

“Whatever it takes, dude.” 

The no flirting rule gets thrown out the window as soon as Cas and Dean get in the car and start fighting over the radio. Dean keeps turning up the volume and singing loudly while Cas tries to change the station. They end up swatting each other’s hands like children and settling on some greatest hits from the ‘80s, ‘90s and today station. 

When they get to the restaurant, Dean treats Cas like his boyfriend—opening doors, placing a light hand on his lower back while they walk, deferring to him whenever they’re asked a question. It should bother Cas, should throw him off, but of course it doesn't. It feels as natural as breathing.

The hostess eyes them both before focusing her full attention on Dean and leading them to their table. Cas hopes their server is a guy.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asks as soon as they sit down.

“It’s nothing. I just—don’t like how people stare at you.” 

Dean smirks and bounces his eyebrows. “Jealous?” 

“ _No._ Just—OK, yeah.”

“If it makes you feel any better the only person I’m staring at is you.”

“That’s literally the cheesiest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Shut up.”

Their server comes (a girl of course) and takes their drink orders. Cas is about to order a diet coke when Dean interrupts him and tells him to get a beer if he wants it. That sounds a lot better with steak, so he complies.

“You know, once you turn 21 we’ll have to—” Cas cuts himself off when he realizes he’s thinking way too far into the future.

“You think we’ll be going steady by then?” Dean teases.

Cas throws a sugar packet at him. “First date, Dean.”

“Cas, we are in a _nice_ restaurant. No throwing things,” Dean chastises before throwing the sugar packet back.

They keep bantering back and forth until Cas makes Dean laugh so hard that they get strange looks from other patrons. They quiet down after that, and then their food comes and they barely talk as they take their first few bites. 

“This steak is so good I think I’ve fallen in love with it. Sorry, Dean.”

Dean clears his throat and starts to blush. “The steak is supposed to be helping my case, not competing with it.” 

“I’ll let you know when I’m done with it.”

Cas drinks one beer too many and when they leave the restaurant, he’s tipsy enough to ask Dean to stay over.

“No, Cas, that’s against the rules. The rules _you_ made, remember?”

“Yeah, but…it’s just sleeping. It’s not a big deal,” Cas whines.

“I’m sorry, Cas, I can’t.” 

“You don’t want to?”

“No! No, it’s not that. Of course I want to. God, yes, I want to. But I’ve already broken enough of your rules tonight, and I’m not breaking this one.” 

Cas continues to pout but stops arguing. He’s lucid enough to recognize that Dean’s doing his best to earn his trust back, and he’ll be really appreciative of that tomorrow morning. He might despise Dean right now, but he'll be grateful later. Maybe.

Dean walks Cas to his door but refuses to come inside when Cas asks. As Cas is about to go inside, he makes a rash decision to turn back around and reach up to press his lips against Dean’s.

He pulls away almost immediately to see that Dean’s eyes have gone wide and his jaw slack.

“Um. My apologies,” is all Cas manages to say. 

“No, it’s, um, it’s—all right. Just—unexpected. Yeah.”

“Yeah, well, OK—um, good night, Dean.”

“Night, Cas.”

 

* * *

  

Dean knew it was a bad idea to invite Charlie over to study with him. He actually _really_ needs to study, but there’s no way he’s going to get anything done with her asking questions about Cas every five seconds.

“What kind of kiss was it? I mean, like, was it the type of kiss where the sun sets between your lips or was it—”

“It was two seconds, Charlie. I barely even registered what was going on before it was over, OK?”

A couple minutes pass and then, “Are his lips as chapped as they look?”

“ _Charlie.”_

“All right, all right, I got it. I’ll shut up.”

There’s another lengthy pause before Dean says, “Yeah, his lips are really chapped. But they’re, like, _huge_. They covered my whole mouth.”

“Well, did you like it?” 

“I didn’t freak out and run away if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Have you told Cas?” 

“No.”

“Are you _going_ to tell Cas?”

Another pause. “I don’t know.”

“You’re really dumb sometimes, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. Can I study now?”

Pause. 

“What do you think his romantic orientation is?”

“Charlie. Seriously?”

“What? These are important questions. I mean, you think he'll want to platonically touch your dick or anything?”

“ _Charlie.”_

“OK, OK, I know, I’m not supposed to joke about it. I’m sorry, you just get so cute when I talk about dicks.”

“Yeah, well, _you’re_ a dick.”

Pause. 

“Are you going to ask him out again?”

“Of course, what the fuck kind of question is that?”

“That’s the spirit.”

 

* * *

 

Cas checks his phone as soon as he leaves the building after his first final of the semester. He has a missed call and voicemail from Dean. 

“ _Hey, um, I guess it beeped—I didn’t hear it beep. Um, anyway, I wanted to…ask you if you wanted to—if you’d like to go out with me again? This is Dean, by the way. I mean. Yeah. So—just call me or text me or whatever. Um, yeah. I want to take you out again. Bye, Cas.”_

Cas really wishes he had listened to that message in private because now he’s getting strange looks from people he passes on campus on account of the stupid huge grin on his face. Fucking— _Dean._ What an asshole.

An asshole that Cas is in love with. 

He texts Dean back immediately. 

_Got your voicemail. We really don’t have time to be going out during exams, but whatever. I can do Thursday night._

It takes Dean an hour to respond.

_Sorry, I was in an exam. Yeah, Thursday’s fine. We probably shouldn’t stay out too late, though. I have an exam at noon Friday._

_Yeah, me too._

_How convenient._

_You’re not going to take me to another fancy restaurant are you?_

_Not unless you want to. You could decide where we go this time if you want._

Cas considers asking Dean if he’s ever been to the putt-putt course on the other side of town, but then he remembers that Dean’s still supposed to be winning him back, and miniature golf isn’t exactly the most serious ground for that. Another time, maybe.

Instead he says, _Cook for me. At my apartment._

_Same rules as last time?_

_Yeah._

Cas hopes he can show more self-control this time around. His stupid drunken self thought it was a good idea to kiss Dean which is just the dumbest thing that’s ever happened to him. 

His first kiss. What a joke.

Of course he’s too afraid to bring it up with Dean. He’s going to pretend like it didn’t happen, or like he doesn’t remember it happening. If Dean brings it up, he’ll say it was a mistake and they’ll move on.

Thursday comes faster than Castiel was expecting. He knocks out two essays in 48 hours and reads one and a half novels, and suddenly Dean’s knocking on his door at 5 p.m. with a bag full of ingredients.

“What are you making?”

Cas tries to hover in the kitchen, but Dean shoos him away and tells him to go somewhere else. He takes a seat on the couch and leans up against the armrest so he can face Dean.

“Are you really not going to tell me what you’re making?” he asks again.

“If you’d come to my place, I would’ve made a roast.”

“Why are you telling me that? You didn’t even invite me to your place, Dean.” 

Dean searches around the kitchen until he’s pulled out all the pots and pans he needs. “Calm down. I’m making pork chops, asparagus and garlic mashed potatoes. Brownies for dessert. Is that all right?” 

“How long before it’s ready?”

“Two hours.”

Cas nods and picks up the book he still has to finish before his exam tomorrow. He thinks Dean is going to protest, say something about how he didn’t come over to be ignored while slaving away in the kitchen, but he doesn’t. He acts like it’s totally normal for Cas to read while he cooks. It’s so grossly domestic that Cas considers locking himself in his room just to feel less weird about it. 

“Ready when you are,” Dean says after what only feels like a few minutes, but when Cas looks at his phone he finds that it’s almost 7. 

“That seemed fast,” he answers as he puts his book down and heads toward the kitchen.

“Sit at the table. I’ll bring you your food. Water or coke?”

“Water, please.”

Cas can’t help but smile at how much like his mom Dean acts when he cooks. 

“What are you smiling at?” 

“You’re a lot like your mom. It’s endearing.”

Dean laughs. “You’re the first person that’s ever told me that. I’ve been wondering when somebody would notice.”

As usual, their conversation dies for the first few minutes of the meal, and Cas silently praises himself for asking Dean to cook. He’d pick Dean’s cooking over Ruth’s Chris any day of the week.

“Good?” Dean asks right as Cas shoves a forkful of pork and potatoes in his mouth. 

Cas nods, swallows and says, “It’s perfect, Dean. You’re moving in the right direction.” 

“Enough to get another kiss tonight?”

Cas nearly chokes on his food and coughs for a minute before he can respond. “I didn’t—I was—”

“Dude, I’m kidding. I just wanted to see how you’d react. We’re moving at _your_ speed, buddy, not mine.”

Things lighten up significantly after that, and by the end of the night Cas is extremely reluctant to let Dean go home. Dean finally insists that he needs to go around 1 a.m. while Cas is leaned back against his shins on the couch reading.

True to his word, Dean doesn’t try anything when Cas leads him to the door. Cas, like the moron that he is, grabs Dean’s face after he’s said good night and pushes their lips together once again.

And once again, Dean barely reacts other than a surprised, glazed expression when Cas pulls away.


	16. Chapter 16

Dean’s been hunched under the hood of his car for the past two hours, sweat dripping from his face and grease all over his hands. He finished his exams a little less than a week ago, and now he’s home just waiting for Christmas. Sammy finished his exams yesterday, and Dean's pretty sure he's fallen into a coma in his room.

He’s just about to take a break when Sam walks out into the driveway in his pajamas and two cups of coffee in his hands.

“You know it’s 1 p.m., right?” Dean greets as he takes a cup of coffee.

“Yeah, and you just took the coffee anyway. What are you doing?” Sam opens the driver’s side door and sits sideways.

“What’s it look like I’m doing?”

“Hey, I’m just trying to make conversation. How long have you been out here?”

“Couple hours, I don’t know.”

“Have you eaten yet?”

Dean leans against the Impala and shakes his head. “You want me to make breakfast or lunch?” 

“Breakfast, please.”

Dean rolls his eyes and mumbles to himself about Sam always bribing him with coffee. When they get inside their mom offers to cook instead, but Dean tells her not to worry about it as he scrubs all the dirt and grease from his arms.

Sam sits at the kitchen table while Dean cooks, and after a few minutes of silence he asks, “Have you seen Lisa yet?”

“We’re getting lunch tomorrow, but I’ve babysat Ben a couple times already.”

“That’s good.” There’s a pause before Sam continues, “How are you and Cas doing?”

Dean stops mixing batter. “What do you mean how are we doing?”

“I don’t know, you guys are like, friends one minute and broken up the next. I never know what’s going on with you and him.”

“Yeah, you and me both,” Dean says quietly before turning the beater back on.

“Seriously, what do you even _mean_ by that?”

“Sammy—”

“No, don’t give me that bullshit like you want me to stop asking. I know you like him, Dean.”

Dean’s heart drops and he stares at Sam. 

“Oh wow, I actually didn’t know, but I do now. Holy shit, Dean, please talk to me.”

Dean turns to the stove and starts buttering up a pan. “Sam, I’m not—I don’t—god, what am I trying to say.”

“It’s me, man, you don’t have to be nervous.” 

Dean’s resolve breaks at how gentle Sam’s voice is. “Yeah, I like Cas. I actually, um, I’m—” 

Their mom walks in then and the conversation comes to an abrupt halt.

Dean thinks he’s in the clear, and his mom shows no sign of hearing anything they said, but later that day she pulls him aside and says, “You should invite Cas over soon. Maybe after Christmas.” 

“Mom, I—”

“I know, sweetie. You don’t have to say anything.” 

Dean blushes and stares at the floor as his mom cups his face and reaches up to kiss his forehead.

He and Cas have been talking on the phone a lot since the semester ended, and they even managed to squeeze in one more date before they both went home. They had lunch together to avoid even having the option of sleeping in the same bed, but then they ended up watching a movie at Dean’s afterward and falling asleep on the couch anyway.

Dean really thinks Cas has forgiven him. And so far, Dean’s not feeling inclined to run away yet. Of course, he’s never been given this many chances with somebody before. Maybe it’ll be different this time. 

Christmas passes in a blur of good food, crappy presents and several days of visits with the Winchester and Campbell families. Sam chastises Dean for texting Cas all throughout the festivities, but Dean doesn’t take him too seriously because he’s got a smug smile slapped on his face whenever he catches Dean in the act. 

On Christmas day is when Dean asks Cas to drive back a week early and hang out with him and Sammy. He’s expecting to be shot down immediately, but then Cas texts back rather quickly.

_You’re not going to crash in the guest bedroom with me are you?_

_So that’s a yes?_

_Of course. I miss Sam._

_And me?_

_Not everything is about you, Dean._

_Merry Christmas, Cas._

_Merry Christmas, Dean._

* * *

 

Being the only child in a single-parent home makes breaks particularly bland for Castiel. He didn’t really keep in touch with that many people from high school, and he just doesn’t have much to do when he goes home. Of course this year he’s been applying for jobs like crazy since he’s graduating in May, but that’s no fucking fun at all.

At least, that’s what he tells himself when he drops hints at Dean about coming to visit. Either Cas is really bad at dropping hints (probably) or Dean’s just really oblivious to how dating works (definitely), because it takes Dean an entire week before he asks. 

It’s the best Christmas present Cas gets.

The problem is that Cas is reaching the end of his rope when it comes to his self-control. He’s sometimes really grateful that the universe decided to make him asexual _and_ repulsed by sex because he can’t imagine how very quickly he would jump into really intense relationships otherwise. He wanted to be intimate with Dean the moment he met him, and that never really changed even when he was pissed at him.

He wants so badly to move forward with Dean, but he has no idea how. He doesn’t know what Dean wants, not really, and he’s not even entirely sure what _he_ wants either.

All he knows is that he really wants to hang out with Sam and Dean before they all have to go back to school. 

The nearly four-hour drive to Lawrence isn’t exactly the most fun Cas has ever had, but his excitement is just about to boil over when he pulls into the Winchesters’ driveway and is barreled over by Sam who seems to have gotten even taller since he saw him last.

“How’s it going, Cas?” Sam asks once he’s let go of him. He opens the backdoor of Cas’ car and starts pulling out his stuff. 

“It’s going really well. How have you been? I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too, man. Things are going well, but I don’t feel like going back to school.”

“You start this week, don’t you?”

“Yeah, _tomorrow._ I wish I could hang out with you and Dean all week, but you guys probably want time alone together anyway.”

Cas pauses at that, wondering what the hell Sam could possibly mean. 

Before he can ask, Sam clarifies, “Oh. Um, Dean told me. A little bit, at least.” Sam leans in close and whispers, “If you guys want to sleep in the same room, I promise I won’t tell my parents.”

Cas almost laughs out loud at how childish Sam sounds, but then they’re walking in through the garage door and he’s stopped in his tracks by Dean standing in the back hall in his boxers and a t-shirt with a bowl in one hand and a spoon in his other hand stopped halfway to his open mouth. 

“Oh right! I forgot to tell you. Cas is here,” Sam announces smugly.

Dean gives Sam a death glare before turning to the kitchen to put his bowl on the counter.

He comes back a second later and reaches out to take Cas’ stuff from him. “I promise I’ve been eagerly awaiting your arrival, but this dumbass lied this morning and said you weren’t coming until this afternoon.”

Cas and Sam both laugh, and then Cas says, “It’s fine, Dean. I wasn’t expecting to get here so early myself. You can eat your cereal while I take a nap.”

“But—you just got here. I—”

“Yes, and I’ll be here all week. Wake me up in two hours.”

Cas is surprised at his ability to stay so laidback in the presence of a half-dressed Dean that he’s been dying to see for the past two weeks. But he really is exhausted, and he’ll be a much better guest after a nap.

Sam leads him up to his room (which is completely unnecessary but nice of him anyway) and tells him that he’s really glad he’s here. Cas forgot how much he enjoys the warmth that washes over him at how genuinely kind Sam can be.

Cas passes out fairly quickly once he’s settled in, and he completely forgets where he is when he wakes up to Dean pushing on his shoulder and saying his name softly.

“Hey, buddy, hey—you’re at my house, remember?” Dean says way too sweetly when Cas jerks awake and darts his eyes around the room.

“Oh. Right,” Cas replies as he falls back against the pillow and turns away from Dean.

“You, um, you want to keep sleeping or…?”

“Ten more minutes.”

Dean sighs, and Cas can feel him sit on the edge of the bed. “Fine, but I’m staying right here.”

Cas doesn’t say anything else, and he falls asleep almost immediately.

The next time he’s woken up, he’s a little less cranky.

“Good morning,” Dean greets as Cas rolls over and smiles at him. True to his word, Dean stayed sitting on the bed.

“Morning.” 

“Long drive?”

“Yeah.”

“Feeling better now?”

“Yeah. Is it lunchtime yet?”

Dean reaches out and pushes Cas’ hair out of his face. “My mom’s making sandwiches for us. When was the last time you cut your hair?” 

“I have no idea. Can you cut it for me?” Cas blames his sleepy state for this rare moment of bravery. 

“Yeah, of course. We can do it tomorrow morning after Sammy goes to school.”

Cas sits up then, rubs his eyes, and then promptly falls over into Dean’s lap. 

Dean chuckles and drops a hand to Cas’ hair again. “C’mon, man, you got to get up.”

“But you’re warm and soft.”

“Rules, Cas. Come on.”

“I’d maybe believe you if you weren’t still stroking my head.”

Dean’s hand immediately stops. “You need a shower. Your hair’s greasy. I’ll be downstairs,” he says before moving Cas out of his lap and leaving the room. 

Cas lies there for a second thinking about how amazing it would be to wake up like this every morning of the year.

Although Cas has missed Dean like some lovesick idiot, he spends most of the day talking more to Sam and Mary while Dean just hovers on the outskirts, not sure what to do with himself since he’s not the center of Cas’ attention.

The possessive monster in Cas’ belly can’t get enough of how much like a lost puppy Dean is acting. Cas is almost certain Dean would do whatever he asked of him, and he wants to return the favor in whatever way he can.

That’s why that night, after basically ignoring Dean all day, Cas pulls him into his room after they’ve brushed their teeth and shuts the door behind him.

“Um,” is all Dean says as Cas strokes his cheek.

“I want you to sleep in here tonight. If you want. I'm done with my rules.” 

Cas isn’t expecting the hug, so he nearly falls backward as Dean wraps him up and buries his face in his neck.

“Uh, Dean?”

“I missed you, Cas. I missed you...so much. I was worried...you were just ignoring me today and I got worried you were still mad at me or something.”

Cas relaxes under Dean’s weight and slides his arms tight around his waist. “I missed you, too. I'm done being mad.”

Dean eventually lets him go and then they awkwardly shuffle their way into bed. They’re all limbs and flying elbows as they try to readjust to sleeping in a bed together after so long apart.

They finally settle with Cas on his back and Dean curled into his side. Cas kisses Dean on the forehead before telling him good night.

Neither of them really sleep all that much. They keep switching positions and getting distracted with touching each other. Cas might not want to have sex with Dean, but he could run his hands over the smooth, hairless contours of his body every night if Dean would let him. He finally falls asleep with his hands running up Dean’s back under his t-shirt, his face smashed against Dean’s chest and his leg between Dean’s thighs.

They basically fall asleep hugging.

Cas falls asleep and wakes up with a bleary-eyed, messy-haired Dean every morning for the next five days, and suddenly it’s the night before they have to go back to school and he’s never been less excited about school in his entire life.

They’re in Dean’s bed tonight, and Cas is lying directly on top of him with his arms crossed on Dean’s chest so he can rest his chin on the backs of his hands while they talk. 

“I don’t want to go back to school,” Cas says solemnly.

“Dude, me neither. So you had a good time this week?” Dean’s hands drop around Cas and sneak under his shirt to rub his lower back. 

“Yes. I wish Sam hadn’t had school though.”

“What, am I not fun enough for you?” Dean teases. 

“You’re _exhausting_ before the sun goes down.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re just mad because I kicked your ass at bowling.”

“You and Sam told me we were going to an _arcade._ I had no idea bowling would be involved.”

“No excuse for how much you sucked.”

Cas sits up so he can push his hand into Dean’s face. “At least I didn’t get so drunk at the Roadhouse that I tried to hit on Ellen and got myself promptly sent home.”

“Hey, I thought we agreed _never_ to talk about that.”

“Yeah, well, don’t bring up the bowling again. OK now shut up, I’m going to sleep,” Cas finishes before turning his head and closing his eyes.

Dean continues to rub Cas’ back in silence until, right as Cas is on the edge of sleep, he asks, “Would you, um, would you…go out with me, Cas? I mean, like, would you be my boyfriend? I guess?”

Cas wakes up enough to lean forward and press his lips against Dean’s. “Yes.”


	17. Chapter 17

Dean has a boyfriend. 

Dean’s in the first relationship of his life.

Dean has not jumped ship yet and frankly he’s surprising himself.

Sure, it’s only been two weeks, but that’s two weeks longer than any other relationship he’s ever tried. 

He’s already considering dropping his lease and just moving in with Cas because they basically live together anyway. When Dean’s not at the library, hanging out with Jo, or gaming with Charlie, he’s with Cas.

They study together, eat together, sleep together—they pretty much do everything together, and nobody gets mad at them for it because they are _actually dating._

It’s…awesome. 

Things aren’t perfect, and they still have a lot of shit to work out eventually, but for now Dean’s feeling pretty good. Cas barely even treats him much different than before, save a little more flirting and a little more touching. What Dean really enjoys is how comfortable they’ve gotten to be around each other. There’s not nearly as many long pauses and awkward stares. They’re learning to move together now, to give and take instead of pulling and pushing. Dean loves learning new things about Cas every day, loves getting to know him and be known by him, and he’s not entirely sure what being “in love” is like, but he thinks he might be getting close to that with Castiel.

Still, being in a relationship means that other things in Dean’s life had to change. He felt bad the day Benny texted him and asked why he hadn’t heard from him over break. Dean had to call him and tell him that they couldn’t be friends anymore because it was just too complicated. Dean’s actually pretty sure Cas would be all right with him remaining friends with Benny, but it would not go over very well whenever Dean decides to tell Cas to what extent he and Benny were involved—even if it was just a one-time thing.

Instead of Benny getting pissed like Dean expects, he simply laughs and says, “It’s about time.”

“You’re not mad?”

“You know I never expected anything more from you, Dean. When I saw you last…it was nice, but I knew it wasn’t gonna become a regular occurrence. You and Cas…you’re much better suited than you and me were.”

“How do you know that? You’ve never met him.”

“You really have to ask me that?” 

Dean sighs into the receiver. “Yeah, I get it. I’m going to miss you, Benny.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too, brother. If he breaks your heart or if you break his—I better be your first call.”

“You’re damn right.”

“Bye, Dean.” 

“Bye, Benny.”

Dean picks up his keys and heads over to Cas’ after he hangs up. He’s sad to let Benny go, so he needs to be reminded that Cas is worth it. 

“Everything all right, Dean?” Cas asks after opening the door and immediately being wrapped up in Dean’s arms.

“I told Benny today that he and I couldn’t be friends anymore,” Dean mumbles into Cas’ shoulder. It's weird how easy it's become to just immediately open up to Cas about pretty much everything.

Cas pushes Dean back so he can look him in the eye. “Why’d you do that?”

“Benny and I…we have a history, and I don’t want it getting in the way of you and me.”

Cas’ face softens, but he still looks confused. “You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“Yeah, well, I wanted to.” Dean kisses Cas’ temple. “How’d your interview go today?”

Cas turns away from Dean to go pour two glasses of water in the kitchen. “They said I acted older than I look. I have no idea what that means.”

“You think they’ll call you for a second one?” Dean moves around to the couch and turns the TV on. 

“Hard to say. I wouldn’t be too upset if they didn’t. I still have a long list of options.”

“That’s a good attitude, Cas. Let me know when you start to panic.”

Dean shifts and throws his arm up on the back of the couch as Cas curls up next to him and hands him one of the glasses.

“No homework tonight?” Cas asks as Dean flips through channels and lands on reruns of _Friends._

“Not really. Kind of just wanted to hang out with my boyfriend, maybe fall asleep on the couch with him or something.”

Dean has class at 9 a.m. but it doesn’t matter because he keeps half his clothes at Cas’ anyway, so he doesn’t really need to go back to his own apartment anytime soon. 

“Would you like to go out to eat?” Cas asks.

“You buying?”

“I’m the one who asked, so yes. I’ve been craving Tarrburrito’s.”

“Oh dude, hell yeah. I’ll drive.”

 

* * *

 

“You don’t think he’ll want to have a party?”

“Who would we even invite, Cas? Dean’s got, like, three friends.”

“So what should we do? He hasn’t mentioned anything. I mean, bar hopping is always a good option I suppose.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Why don’t you ask him about it today? We can invite Charlie and Anna, too.”

“OK, will you tell them? I’ll talk to Dean.”

“Sure thing, Cas.”

“Thank you, Jo.” 

They hang up and Cas instinctively does a scan around the union to make sure nobody was eavesdropping. He doesn’t know why he’s being weird about Dean’s 21st birthday—he’s just nervous. It’s been almost two months since they started going on dates, and almost a month since they actually established a relationship. They haven’t done more than cuddle and kiss (and not even _real_ kisses, either, just pecks here and there), and Cas is starting to worry that Dean will get restless soon. Cas isn’t an idiot, at least about this anyway. He knows that at some point Dean is going to want more from him physically.

The weird thing is that it hasn’t come up yet. Cas expected it to be a barrier in their relationship, a constant _thing_ hanging in the air between them waiting to become a problem. On the contrary, he finds himself never even thinking about it until he’s out of Dean’s presence. He’ll leave Dean sleeping in his bed when he goes to class in the morning and as soon as he’s out the door he remembers that their relationship is technically missing something. 

Sometimes he wonders if Dean ever even thinks about it at all.

Assuming that he _does_ think about it, Cas plans on doing something about it on Dean’s birthday. He’s not sure what yet, but he’s got to do _something_.

It turns out bar hopping was a good suggestion because it’s what Dean was planning on doing anyway whether anybody else wanted to or not.

Dean comes to Cas’ apartment on Friday so they can walk together to Jo’s. Dean throws his arm over Cas’ shoulder while they walk, but Cas promptly removes it so they can hold hands. 

“Oh, we’re up to hand-holding now? This is a big step for us, Cas,” Dean teases before pulling Cas’ hand to his lips for a kiss.

“Who knows, there might be other stuff later,” Cas says stoically. No backing out now.

Cas almost misses how Dean tenses beside him. “Oh—OK,” is all Dean says.

Anna and Charlie are already at Jo’s taking shots when Dean and Cas walk in. They all cheer for Dean’s birthday before setting down two more shot glasses.

They’re all pretty tipsy by the time they make their way over to the main street with all the bars and restaurants, and the first place doesn’t even card any of them. 

Cas tries not to get completely hammered, but it seems Dean’s not following that line of thinking. By the time it’s just the two of them walking back to Cas’ apartment, Cas is pretty much carrying his dumb boyfriend. 

It’s a struggle to get Dean’s clothes off of him and to get him to brush his teeth and drink water, but once that’s all done Cas makes him sit on the couch and watch television. He hopes it will sober Dean up enough so he’s not miserable in the morning.

When they go to bed, Dean pulls Castiel tight against his chest and throws his leg over his hip. Cas is just about to protest when he hears Dean’s soft snores already in his ear.

He wakes up before Dean in the morning, but he stays in bed because it’s actually kind of nice being the little spoon for once. After a few minutes Dean groans and rolls over onto his back, forcing Cas to adjust his position.

“Morning,” Dean greets groggily. 

“Hungover?”

“Eh, not so bad. I didn’t make too big of an ass of myself last night, did I?”

“You flirted with Charlie at one point, but that’s to be expected. You always flirt with the wrong people when you’re drunk.”

Dean drops an arm around Cas’ back and pulls him closer. “Sorry, babe.”

“Babe? You’re calling me babe now?”

Dean grins. “Maybe. I don’t know. Shut up.” 

This is it. This is Cas’ opportunity. He props himself up on his elbow so that he’s eye-level with Dean. 

“What are you smiling at?” Dean asks.

In response, Cas leans over and kisses Dean longer than he ever has before. When he pulls back, Dean’s eyes are wide and unreadable. He looks a lot like he did the first time Cas ever kissed him.

Cas slides his body onto Dean’s chest as he continues to kiss him. It’s clumsy and messy, but Cas is really determined to do this. When he sticks his tongue into Dean’s mouth, Dean freezes for a second before answering back with his own push.

It feels weird and actually kind of gross, but Cas is going to suffer through it for his boyfriend’s sake. This is about Dean, not him.

He moves onto kissing Dean’s neck (which is much better) before gracefully reaching under Dean’s back to pull his t-shirt off. Dean says his name a couple times as Cas continues his line of kisses down Dean’s stomach (again, much better—Cas isn’t really sure why he’s never done this part before now).

It isn’t until Cas is kissing below Dean’s belly button and moving his hand toward the elastic of his boxers that he realizes that Dean has gone as still as a board beneath him. That’s…not right, is it?

He lifts his head to see how Dean is responding, but Dean’s arm is flung across his face and his breathing is staggered.

Cas decides to take that as a good sign and sneaks his hand into Dean’s boxers.

Dean immediately bucks up so violently that Cas rolls off of him and almost falls off the bed. Before he can ask what the hell that was all about, Dean’s sitting up and shouting, “Ace! I’m—fucking—I’m asexual, Cas! I’m ace, I’m like you, _fuck.”_


	18. Chapter 18

“Excuse me?”

Dean’s shaking like when he gets in huge arguments with his dad. Cas doesn’t look mad at him, but Dean can’t help it. He’s not—this wasn’t supposed to happen like this. “I’m asexual,” he says again.

Cas stands and walks toward the door. He pauses and scrubs his hand down his face before turning back around with a mixed bag of emotions flitting on his face. “You’re asexual.”

“Yeah.” Dean squirms and pulls the covers up over himself as he sits up. 

Cas turns his back on Dean again, scratches his head, and then begins to laugh. He laughs so hard that he has to bend over and hold his knees.

“What the fuck, dude?” Dean asks, feeling really dumb at this point. 

Cas has the biggest smile Dean’s ever seen when he turns back to face him and god damn does Dean want to make Cas look like that all the time. “Everything makes so much sense now.”

“You’re not—you aren’t mad?”

Cas plops back down on the bed and wraps his hand tight around the back of Dean’s neck. “I’m ecstatic. I’m not sure why you didn’t tell me sooner, but I don’t care. Dean, this is…” Cas trails off like he doesn’t know how to explain.

Relief washes over Dean so completely that he starts to laugh and falls over until his head hits Cas’ shoulder. “I don’t know why I kept putting off telling you,” Dean mumbles as Cas wraps his arms around his back.

“Can we talk about it?”

Dean falls further into Cas’ lap. “Shoot.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I thought you didn’t care?”

Cas pulls Dean’s hair. “I’m curious.”

“I thought, um, I guess I was worried about things getting serious since we’re…I don’t know, more compatible—god, what a dumb—”

“I know what you mean. You didn’t want us to be together just because we are both asexual and therefore it makes sense for us to be together.”

“Right.”

“You have to admit, though…it does make this situation more appealing.”

Dean turns his head so he can look up at Cas. “Yeah, if I wasn’t an asshole about commitment." 

“You seem to be doing fine so far. And you’re going to actually _talk_ to me when you need space.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve mentioned that a few dozen times, I got it,” Dean complains.

“We should discuss new boundaries—since I clearly thought I was the only one who needed them and therefore was setting them.”

Dean chuckles and reaches up to pat Cas’ face. “It’s OK, I like having you in charge. It’s cute.”

“Yeah, well. I don’t want to make an ass of myself again. Did you enjoy having my tongue in your mouth?” 

“Wow, you really just get right to the point, don’t you? Um, it was all right. Felt a little weird. Your lips are definitely more talented than your tongue.” 

“I don’t think I liked it. Would it be OK if we not do that again?” 

Dean shrugs. “Yeah, I don’t care. That kissing thing you did to the rest of me, though, that was great.” 

“Agreed. I’m surprising myself with you, Dean.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m aromantic and generally a bit squeamish about anything more than a hug. I was very confused when I started imagining kissing you. That’s…not something I’ve ever wanted with anyone.” 

Dean’s chest feels like it could burst with all the warmth that just flooded into it. “I think there’s a word for that. It’s something like ‘Dean-sexual.’”

Cas smacks Dean on the arm. “You’re thinking of demisexual—or rather, demiromantic. Or maybe gray-aromantic? In any case, it appears I’m capable of a little more romantic attraction than I thought.”

“I’m just going to keep saying Dean-sexual.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “You’re a dick. At least be a little more accurate and say Dean- _romantic._ And only semi-romantic at that. Dean-kind-of-romantic.”

“Just so you know, I’m panromantic. So far I’ve been pretty damn content with what we’ve got. I’d like some more PDA, maybe more of your lips on my skin—but other than that we’re good. Oh, and please don’t try to touch my dick again.”

“I can assure you, I will not be repeating that task. I’m not even sure what I would’ve done if you had let me continue.”

“You were just going to wing it?”

“I did some research, but there’s only so much you can learn without practice.”

Dean curls to his side as he laughs at Cas. “It’s not that hard, really.” 

“What? Whose dick have you touched?” 

Dean’s first instinct is to tease Cas for being jealous, but instead he says, “Um, Benny. When you and I weren’t talking.”

“Did you…enjoy it?”

“I enjoyed feeling like somebody wanted me. And being able to give somebody I care about what they want.”

“I see now why you can’t be friends with Benny anymore,” Cas says rather coldly.

“You mad?”

“Of course not, Dean. I am simply possessive.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I was thinking about you the whole time.” 

Cas tenses. “Excuse me?”

“I missed you. I was craving intimacy, and Benny wasn’t who I wanted.”

Cas leans down until his mouth is right by Dean’s ear. “I wish I could tell everybody that you’re mine.” 

“I mean, we’re a little old for it, but you could mark me if you wa—ah, Cas!”

Cas pulls off Dean’s neck with a loud pop. “My apologies.”

“That was more a bite than a hickey, jackass.”

“Did I hurt you?”

“No, it’s fine. Warn me next time, though.”

Cas starts to laugh quietly.

“What?” Dean asks. 

“I just love you so much.”

 

* * *

 

It’s three days before Valentine’s Day when Cas accepts a yearlong internship with Lawrence Journal-World. It’s not exactly what he wants to do, but it’s a stepping-stone. Working for a daily paper will be more difficult than anywhere else he’s ever worked, and he’s itching to go ahead and get started. He’s still got three months before graduation, though.

He talked to Dean about it after his second interview went really well. He applied for the position before he and Dean were even together, and he happens to love Lawrence and would like to stay here a while before moving on. The fact that he’ll be seven minutes from Dean during his senior year is just an added bonus, not the _main_ reason why he accepted the job. Dean seemed to be hopeful about the idea, though.

Cas has been proven wrong about Dean over and over again since the start. The unreliable, slightly panicky guy he met almost a year ago is the most loyal, caring and selfless person Cas has ever had the privilege to know.

Even when Cas accidentally told Dean he loved him (several months earlier than originally planned), Dean’s face had softened in the way Cas has only seen Sam’s face soften, and then Dean had pulled him down for the best kiss they’ve shared so far.

Every time Cas thinks Dean’s going to freak out and leave, he brings Cas even closer. He knows he’s fucked if Dean leaves him, but the longer they’re together the longer Castiel believes that Dean’s not going anywhere. 

That doesn’t mean he’s not shocked when he tells Dean the news about his job and gets a casual, “You want to live with me?” in response.

“You’re serious?” Cas asks as he takes a seat at the counter outside Dean’s kitchen.

“Um, yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, you’re the one always claiming you have all these commitment issues.”

Dean leans over the counter and gives Cas a kiss. “I would’ve moved in with you this semester if we had planned it sooner. You make commitment easy.”

God, Cas is in over his head. “So do you want to stay in this apartment, my apartment, or somewhere else?”

Dean shrugs. “It’s really up to you. I have better parking, but you have a better kitchen.”

“I’ll think about it. Have you decided what you’re doing this summer?”

“Oh, right. You’ll need to move into whichever apartment immediately after graduation, won’t you? I was hoping to…spend one more summer at home before adulthood really sets in.”

Cas sighs and looks up at the ceiling. “We’re not going to do well with driving distance between us, are we?”

Dean shakes his head and laughs. “We’re pathetic. You can stay at my house this summer. Sam’s been asking me every five seconds when you’re coming back anyway.” 

“He’s asked me as well. Do your parents know about us?”

“I told my mom. She fucking—she _knew_ that we were both ace. I have no idea how. She’s already planning our wedding, I swear to god.”

“Frankly, I’m not surprised. Your mother has approached me several times about the nature of our relationship.”

“God, you’re such a weirdo.”

“What about your dad?”

Dean’s smile falls and he breaks eye contact with Cas. “My dad’s, uh, out of the picture right now.” 

And that’s when Cas’ heart breaks. He immediately moves over to Dean and pulls him tight against his chest. Cas isn’t sure how long they stand like that, but when they pull apart Dean’s eyes are red and shining.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…” Dean mumbles.

“Shh, come on. You don’t have to cook tonight. I’ll heat up some leftovers and we can watch a movie.” 

It ends up being a quiet night after that until Dean and Cas are in bed together.

Cas is not even close to falling asleep when Dean whispers, “I think my dad would kill me.”

“Hmm.”

“I don’t know, he’s…unpredictable. There one minute, gone the next. It seems like it might be more permanent this time, though, based on what Sam said.” 

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I’m not sure yet. Sammy seems happier. But I don’t want him having to take care of Mom.”

Cas listens to Dean talk about the concerns he has about his family for the next 20 minutes. It should’ve clicked with Cas before now, but he’s never truly grasped just how intensely Dean loves his mom and brother. It’s a good thing Cas likes them, too, or else this relationship would never work out. 

The more Dean opens up, the more off topic he gets. Once he’s done talking about his family he moves onto Lisa.

“I didn’t have sex with Lisa, by the way. I know I said I did, but I didn’t. I mean, we did other stuff, but not like...you know, we didn't go all the way.”

Cas is weirdly relieved at this revelation. “Why’d you say it then?”

“I don’t know, ‘cause I’m an idiot? I wanted to make you jealous? I didn’t want anybody finding out that I’m ace?”

“You liked her, though.”

“I did. A lot. She was my first kiss. She, um, helped me figure out my sexuality.”

Cas slides his body on top of Dean’s so he can look at him. “That’s a huge deal, Dean.”

“Yeah.” He huffs a laugh, which feels really weird under Cas’ chin. “She tried so hard. I can’t tell you the amount of unsuccessful blow jobs and hand jobs—”

“Dean.”

“Right. Sorry.”

There’s a pause before Cas asks, “What about Benny?”

“What _about_ Benny?”

“What happened between you guys while he was still here?” 

“Oh. He, um, tried to kiss me one time, and I yelled at him like an idiot. We were a lot like me and you at first, and we knew that we liked each other. But I…I didn’t tell him until after that incident. We kind of stopped talking after that—until you came along.” 

Cas stares at Dean with as much sympathy in his eyes as he can muster. Dean’s been through so much and deserves none of the pain he's endured. Cas suddenly feels incredibly privileged to be one of the few people in Dean’s life giving him something positive.

“I love you,” Cas says again.

“You keep saying that, I might actually start listening to it.” 

Cas leans forward to kiss Dean’s forehead. “I love you.” He kisses his left cheek. “I love you.” Right cheek. “I love you.” Tip of his nose. “I love you.” Mouth. “I love you.”

"All right, Mr. Darcy, that's enough."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I felt like I should add a note about Dean and Cas' romantic orientations because they only really talk about it in dialogue and then it's never brought up again or explained. In this chapter, they're generally focusing on the physical aspect of things, but in reality /emotionally/ speaking Cas would be more "romantic" and Dean would be more "aromantic." The point is to show that Dean and Cas often contradict themselves and one another, and sometimes someone's definition of something is different than somebody else's. Sorry I was not clearer about that in the actual story. If you would like a better representation (in my opinion) of aromantic!Cas, might I suggest [this fic.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2717726)


	19. Chapter 19

Dean hates Valentine’s Day, and lucky for him he’s dating a moron who fucking loves Valentine’s Day.

The compromise was that instead of going out, Dean would cook Cas whatever he wants, and Dean would have to put up with whatever gift Cas decides to get him.

Oh, and Cas asked Dean to wear red. (“That one plaid flannel you have will suffice. It’s my favorite.”) 

Cas shows up at the library at the end of Dean’s shift wearing a stupid red sweater with a purple collar. He looks ridiculous as he walks up to the desk and leans over it so his face is as close to Dean’s as possible without seeming completely inappropriate.

“What are you smiling at?” Cas asks suspiciously.

“You look adorable.” He meant to say, “dumb,” but it’s pretty much all the same with Cas.

“I got you this,” Cas says as he holds out an enormous heart-shaped lollipop.

“I don’t have anything for you,” Dean answers as he takes the lollipop and puts it in his mouth.

“It’s OK,” Cas says as he pulls out a second lollipop and starts sucking on it. “I’ve eaten four of these today.” 

“You’re going to die in your 30s.”

“And you’ll be in the grave next to mine, stomach full of pie.”

“Touché.”

Dean clocks out and slings an arm over Cas’ shoulder as they walk back to his apartment. He whispers in Cas’ ear the entire walk back, and the amount of strange looks they get is actually absurd. 

“These people probably think I’m saying really naughty stuff to you when all I’m doing is talking about what I’m going to make for dinner.” 

“As if that’s not naughty.”

Dean’s in such a good mood by the time he’s cooking that he’s starting to wonder if Valentine’s Day isn’t so bad after all. 

Fucking— _Cas._ Making Dean all soft and shit.

“Do you want your gift now or after dinner?” Cas asks with just an edge of excitement in his tone.

“Whatever you want, babe.”

Cas practically skips into the kitchen and holds out a small stuffed bear to Dean.

“You got me a teddy bear?”

“Yes. He’s holding a note for you. You’re not allowed to read it, though.”

Dean stares at the bear and briefly thinks that the thing is actually pretty cute. “Why not?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re allowed. I know how much you like a challenge.”

Dean rolls his eyes and sets the bear up on the counter. “Can I keep him there?”

“Yes, I think that’s perfect.”

“All right, now get out of here. I have food to cook.”

 

* * *

 

It’s just like any other morning. Except there’s not a warm body pressed against Cas’ making it difficult to want to get out of bed.  And he can smell coffee through the open door of his bedroom.

“Dean?” Cas calls groggily without moving.

“Sweetheart, you need to get your ass out of bed. I have coffee for you,” Dean shouts back. 

Cas groans and flips over until he can slide his feet onto the floor. Dean only calls him “sweetheart” when he’s in mom mode.

And that’s when Cas remembers exactly _why_ Dean is in mom mode. 

Cas is graduating today.

“You forgot, didn’t you?” Dean asks as he hands Cas a mug with his coffee just the way he likes it.

“Yeah.”

“Dude, we literally talked about it last night. You had a rehea—”

“I just forgot what day it is. You distracted me with all that extra cuddling last night.”

“Ex _cuse me?_ If I’m not mistaken, _you_ were the one getting all handsy at 3 a.m.”

“Yes but you’re the one with the irresistibly soft skin. I’m helpless.” Cas pulls Dean by the ends of his bathrobe until he’s flush against him.

“Coffee breath kiss in three, two, one,” Dean teases before leaning down and pressing his lips against Cas’. “All right, now get ready. Got a big day ahead of you.”

Cas turns away begrudgingly, and Dean smacks him on the ass for good measure.

The truth is that he’d be nervous as hell without Dean here babying him. He’s only got two weeks to go home and sort everything out before he moves back to Lawrence and starts his internship. He has to sublease his apartment because his contract isn’t up until August, and he plans on splitting his time this summer between the Winchester home and Dean’s apartment (which is where they decided to stay because they can fit a queen-sized bed in Dean’s room and not have to squeeze on twin beds anymore).

But it’s not the time to be freaking out about leaving the safety and comfort of the University of Kansas. He’s got to hold his shit together at least until after he’s walked across the stage.

When it’s all over and done with, Dean finds Cas in the crowd and pulls him close to whisper in his ear, “I’m proud of you” just as Mary shows up and snaps a picture.

He spends the rest of the day with his mom and the Winchesters (minus John, as he and Mary are still separated) until his mom finally insists that they need to get back to Lebanon sometime before sunrise.

He gets one last hug from Dean before promising to see him again in a week. Then he takes a deep breath and accepts the fact that he’s officially a grown-up now.


	20. Chapter 20

_Text me when you get out of your interview so we can figure out dinner._

_Just heat up the leftovers if you get hungry._

_Text me regardless, dumbass._

_It’s gonna be a while._

_I know. Good luck._

Dean exits out of his messages, turns his phone on silent and looks in the mirror one last time before leaving for his interview.

He’s trying to stay really confident about this one, but if he doesn’t get this job he might end up working at the Roadhouse for a while after he graduates. Unlike with Cas last year, Dean had to start way earlier in the career hunt. If he doesn’t have a job secured by Christmas, he’s probably screwed. And it’s almost November already. 

On top of all that, Cas is still searching for a full-time position for when his internship ends next August. They’ve gotten in several arguments about where they’re going to go and how they’re going to find jobs in the same area so they can continue living together, and it got so bad at one point that Cas slept on the couch for a week.

They resolved the tension by deciding that whoever gets the better job first gets to keep that job, and the other person will simply have to keep looking for something else. Fortunately for them, they both really want to go to California, so they’re strategically applying for jobs in the suburbs of San Francisco and Los Angeles.

Dean’s still taken aback nearly every day of the week at the thought that Cas might be “it” for him. Cas didn’t just fit into his life like an add-on, he came in and did a complete overhaul of everything Dean knew and believed about himself. It’s not that Dean thinks he would never be able to be with another person again if he and Cas broke up, it’s that he’s not sure he would even _want_ to. Everything just seems so dull without Castiel.

Dean never really put words to it or admitted it to anyone, but for so long he’d spent half the time feeling like a dopey romantic loser and the other half wanting absolutely nothing to do with people in general. It would hit him randomly—one day he could be craving intimacy enough to consider having sex and the next he could feel like locking himself alone in his room for the rest of his life. He knows Cas can't magically fix that, but Dean's getting better and better at fighting the urge to run.

Sure, there are days when he doesn’t even feel like talking to Cas. But Cas seems to intuitively know when those days are, and he gives Dean space accordingly.

Today is not one of those days.

Dean’s so physically and mentally drained by the time he gets home from his interview that he falls face first onto the couch and tells Cas to “c’mere” within two minutes of walking in the door.

“Long day?” Cas asks as he kneels in front of Dean’s face and cups his cheek in his hand. 

“Long _year._ When’s dinner going to be ready?” 

“Ten minutes. Sorry I can’t cook as well as you.”

“Your cooking is fine, babe.”

“Yeah, because you’re teaching me. We can eat on the couch tonight and you can tell me all about your interview. I bought pie from that place you love near work.” 

Cas gets up to head back to the kitchen, but Dean reaches his arm out and grabs him. “Hey,” he says to get Cas to turn around. 

“Yes, Dean?”

“I love you.”

 

* * *

 

Nine months. It’s been nine months since Cas told Dean that he loves him. He’s been waiting nine months for an “I love you, too.”

He knew it would come eventually. Well, at first he thought Dean wasn’t actually even capable of saying it. But then he heard him say it to his mom not just once but twice, and Sam one time as well. Not just that, but there was a time soon after Dean’s birthday when Cas had said something completely ordinary and Dean had given him a _look,_ and Cas just _knew._

“Cas?” Dean asks, pulling Cas out of whatever the fuck he was just thinking about. 

“I love you, too, Dean.”

Dean smiles in the rare, soft way that doesn’t make his cheeks round out.

Cas leans down to kiss him on the forehead before going back to the kitchen to get their dinner. 

Cas wakes up for work the next day and goes through his usual routine of untangling himself from a grumpy, “I don’t have to be up for another hour” Dean, making coffee, showering, changing, and then returning to kiss Dean’s face and tell him he loves him even though Dean’s usually sound asleep at this point.

But Dean’s not totally asleep today, and when Cas tells him he loves him, Dean sleepily grabs his hand, kisses it and says, “Love you, too, buddy,” without even opening his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Dean remembers Cas leaving this morning, but he still has a text from him when he wakes up. Usually Cas only texts him when he’s worried that Dean’s not going to wake up in time for class.

But the text just says, _You can read the note._

Dean’s confused for a second until it hits him. The stupid cute bear.

He trips his way into the living room and snatches the bear up from where it’s been sitting on the counter for most of the year. He removes the note as carefully as possible and finds that it’s actually several pieces of paper in various sizes and states of wear. They each have dates on them, and Dean goes to the oldest one he can find—which, if Dean remembers correctly, is from before he and Cas even met.

_February 8 –_

_Yes, I am simply interested in platonic friendship and we do go to the same school. I would love to hang out with you, Dean._

The response Dean never got. Shit. Dean tears through to the next one.

_February 12 –_

_I met Dean today. He almost remembered seeing me in Starbucks. I don’t think he knows I’m the guy he messaged. I don’t know how to tell him. So far we are extremely awkward around one another._

It’s at this point that Dean remembers how Cas keeps a small notebook near him most of the time, and he’s always pulling it out to jot down notes. He’s never asked Cas about it, but now he knows that Cas just writes down random thoughts that are important to him. Go figure. 

_March 17 –_

_I really like Dean._

_March 24 –_

_Sam and Mary are just as great as Dean is. I’m fucked._

_April 19 –_

_I’m officially in love with him. I thought I was before, but now I know I_ really  _am._

_April 28 –_

_Dean’s avoiding me. I have no idea why, but he’s avoiding me._

_June 30 –_

_I had my first romantic fantasy about him today. I was high, so maybe that’s why. I’ve tried to hate him, and I just_ can’t.  _I fucking love him and he might be it for me and I'm pissed. This wasn't supposed to happen. I knew it was a bad fucking idea to give my phone number to that ridiculously perfect, dumb face. You fucking moron, Cas._

_July 9 –_

_Dean wants to be friends again. Thank God. I thought he might want a relationship, and I just—I don’t know, I can’t do that. Not right now._

_August 18 –_

_I saw Dean today and thought I might faint. My only saving grace is that I was covered in paint, and he was clearly freaking out that I’m ace. At least he probably knows now that I really do just want to be friends. Well, maybe not “friends” exactly. I want him to be_ mine _, but I haven’t quite figured out yet what that even means. I’m not sure how to talk to him about it. Fuck._

_August 29 –_

_I fucking hate Dean._

Dean keeps flying through them, some of them one word and others entire paragraphs. They get better and better once he gets to the time when they started dating, until finally he only has two left. They're both on the same piece of paper, seemingly written on the same day.

_January 25 -_

_Dean is asexual. I can't believe this. I'm so happy. I'm so fucking happy. I don't know how to express this properly. I'm so happy._

_Date unknown –_

_I love you, too._


	21. Epilogue

“You’re friends with a guy named Dean, right?”

“Yeah, he’s one of my best friends. Why?” Jo takes a sip of her coffee.

“Does his last name start with a W?”

“Um, yes. Dean Winchester. What do you want to know about him?” 

“Is he, like, almost _too_ pretty to be a guy?”

“Yes, Anna, please tell me where this conversation is going.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just. Oh my god. Do you know about his dating profile?” 

Jo looks baffled for a second, but then it dawns on her. “Does he actually use that thing? What happened, did he message you or something?”

“No, um, my friend Cas. I caught him looking at Dean’s profile the other day, so I changed his profile a little and Dean _immediately_ messaged him.”

“You’re kidding? What the fuck does his profile even _say_?”

“It’s pretty funny actually. It’s all about how he’s just looking for a male friend, but his picture’s a freaking masterpiece that screams ‘I want a dick in my ass.’”

Jo nearly chokes on her drink. She’s never heard sweet, innocent Anna use that kind of language before. “Friendship? Yeah, that’s Dean. He, uh, got fucked over last year because a guy wanted more. And the poor thing can’t make a guy friend to save his life.” 

“OK, but, like, is he…into dudes? I really want to set Cas up with somebody, but I’m just—”

“Dean’s asexual,” Jo blurts out and then instinctively looks around Starbucks to make sure nobody heard. 

“You’re joking.”

“Uh, no? The dude’s a hopeless romantic that sometimes panics at just a kiss.”

“I can’t believe this.” Anna stares at the table with wide, unblinking eyes. 

“What? Dude, you’re freaking me out.”

“Cas is asexual, too.”

Jo spills her coffee and doesn’t pick it up. “We have to set them up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this, you might like the rest of this series as well. Less college, more fluff.
> 
> I'm [deancasheadcanons](http://deancasheadcanons.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, and [this is my website.](https://maddmadeshop.com/)


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